09 July 2008

A Toast to the Happy Couple

All this talk of vampires has made me reminisce about my early teen years when a short-lived television series titled "Dracula: the Series" aired. Like every other female who watched it I fell in love with it. Actually, that's not entirely true. We easily forgave the predicatable silliness of the show with its largely poorly written plots and over-the-top characters all for the sake of getting to gawk at the show's main character, Alexander Lucard (Dracula spelled backwards, ha HA!). He is dutifully played by the jaw-droppingly gorgeous Canadian actor, Geordie Johnson. This very blond Dracula is still out and about and living large as the now-CEO of his own corporation based in Luxembourg. He is a sophisticated, shrewd business tycoon by day, vicious hunter by night. He is constantly thwarted and hounded by his personal thorn in his side, Gustav Helsing, descendent of the famous Professor Van Helsing, vampire hunter extraordinaire. Gustav is "aided" by his two young grand-nephews, Christopher and Maximillian, and his recently acquired ward, Sophie. Gustav's son, Klaus, had been transformed into a vampire by Lucard many years prior. Of course, Gustav has never forgiven Lucard for taking away his only child and is constantly seeking a cure for vampirism to bring Klaus back home. Klaus, after being bitten, became terrifyingly insane and is only occasionally loyal to Lucard and always dangerous to everyone else.

Naturally, Dracula has acquired several enemies throughout his years beyond just the Helsing clan and sometimes Klaus. In the series, Nosferatu is a German vampire who has had a longstanding feud with Dracula. Nosferatu's vampire girlfriend is one Dr. Cross. Both vampires have successfully eluded destruction by Dracula but have yet to defeat him themselves despite several attempts.


Geordie Johnson was born to play this part if for no other reason than his talented "Transylvanian" accent. In the original Dracula the Count's accent was supposedly very peculiar because he learned to speak English from reading rather than hearing the language. As luck would have it, Geordie Johnson is completely incapable of producing a genuine accent from any given locale or nationality on earth. All of his accents have a distinct and odd European quality to them, but the specificity stops there. This fact has not gone unnoticed by him and it has provided us with no small measure of amusement over the years.

And why do I bother telling you this? So when I mock the hundreds of trainwreck fanfictions that have since sprung up all over the internet dedicated to Lucard and this show, you'll know what I'm referring to. The pattern never varies: a gorgeous, intelligent, single young woman flies to Luxembourg for various contrived purposes and eventually somehow runs into the ever-perfect Lucard. He is instantly charmed by her and vice versa, but she resists him out of principle. Eventually she gives in after she realizes she's fallen in love. She's human of course, and yet he comes to love her so completely himself that he cannot be brought to harm her in any way. In at least two fanfictions I've read (both by the same hateful woman who should be banned from posting her thoughts where others can read them), Lucard actually marries the girl, complete wedding and all, living happily ever after.

Several years ago my Canadian friend (i.e., she talks funny), Alyssa, and I spent an entire summer making fun of these projects. One evening she dared me to write my own Lucard fanfiction, claiming I couldn't make it all the way through it. I rejected her assertion and set to work, attempting to write the greatest fanfiction of all time. I started out with the best of intentions, but those fell by the wayside after approximately two sentences. Despite that I still coughed up the story and she enjoyed it immensely.

Having enjoyed writing it and wanting to keep the good times rolling for posterity, I wanted to duplicate my fanfic here on my blog (with a couple of updates and edits of the original). Having recently completed Twilight, it seems all the more appropos now. You're more than welcome to read it if you have the time. Behold, the new and improved "Dracula: The Wedding Story."

As a single, long-legged, long-haired brunette beauty, who would have imagined I would one day become the object of love of the wealthiest and hottest man in the world? It all began when I took a plane to Luxembourg for no reason at all. I stepped off the plane, caught a taxi into the middle of town, and began aimlessly to wander the quaint streets of what would one day become my home (or so I was to find out later).

I had walked in a daze for only a short while before I literally bumped into my destiny. This "destiny" happened to come in the form of a tall, blond man, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit and Gucci shoes. He had a beautiful smile full of sparkling white teeth and eyes as blue-green as the heavens during hurricane season, with that distinctive touch of gray pollution in the air. While apologizing profusely to the man for accidentally bumping him and knocking him into a puddle of goo, I noticed something in his eyes...could it be?...yes. Yes, it was desire for the one and only me.

He eyed me closely, slowly perusing my gorgeous body, then my gorgeous face, my gorgeous hair, and listening to my better-than-gorgeous voice. I couldn't imagine what he saw in little ol' me, but there he was, desiring away.


He began, "I'm Alexander Lucard. And who is this treasure before me?"

"Anna Fantanasana. Pleasure to meet a hottie such as yourself."

He laughed a perfect laugh before responding, "I'm equally pleasured, Ms. Fantanasana." He had such a delicious, odd accent I simply had to comment.

"Your accent is so unique...so utterly unplaceable. Where are you from?" His demeanor changed suddenly to irrationally furious.

"My accent is perfectly placeable! How can you not tell where I'm from based on my accent?? I worked for MONTHS on this accent! YEARS even!! Can't you tell I'm originally from Transylvania and learned English from reading books?!"

Startled by his clearly insane response, I answered, "I do apologize Mr. Lucard. It's absolutely obvious to me now. You have a perfect accent, I promise. I've never been very good at these sorts of things, you know."

Placated by my lie, the blond continued on. "You are a vision of beauty Ms. Fantanasana, and I simply must have you," quickly adding, "over to dinner, I mean. Yes, dinner." Intrigued by his perfect posterior, and hoping to see quite a bit more of it, I agreed.

"Now, before I come tonight, I feel compelled to ask your intentions toward me. While I'm no pillar of virtue myself, I can't have everyone thinking I'm totally easy and a skank-ho, even if I am."

"My lovely dear, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. Because of this, I feel I must tell you the truth. I am a vampire. Dracula, in fact. Yes, yes it's true. The one and only Dracula. Dracula himself, Dracula The Man. Dracula, the one who is worshipped by all women everywhere and most men, including myself. And although I should normally want to suck you dry, I have an inexplicable love for you. I've loved you ever since I met you two minutes ago. Yes, Anna, for that long. You never knew, but I've loved you from the start. Ms. Anna Fantanasana, you are my future, my destiny."

"Ha! Destiny? That's what I said! How about that!"

"Please shut up. I'm not finished."

"Sorry."

"Anna, I love you. You are everything I've ever wanted or needed in my life or unlife or undeath, or whatever the hell you call it. Anna...will you please do me the distinct honor," and getting down on one knee, "of being my wife (until I tire of you, kill you, and feed your corpse to the hounds)?"

"What was that last part?"

"Um, nothing."

"Well Alexander, while I also love you more than life itself, I don't feel right now is the best time for this. I'm currently dating two guys already, and trying to score with the bagboy at Albertson's on top of that. I simply can't be tied down to a husband right now. However, if you'd like to just go a round or two right now, I..."

Lucard interrupted, "NO! If I have you, I must have all of you all at once all the time every fricking minute. I'm just that possessive. Don't make me beg Anna, it isn't becoming of a man of my stature."

"Beg for it Blood Boy."

Transitioning from a kneel to down on both knees, and then on all fours, the vampire sobbed, "Please Anna! I love you more than anything! Marry me or I'll implode, I swear!"

"Damn, you're kinda creepy, even for such a hottie."

I turned and walked away, only to notice I was dragging an extra 170 pounds. A policeman stopped me, eyeing the spectacle before him, and calmly asked, "Do you need help ma'am?"

"No, I'm fine officer."

"But you've got a man attached to your ankles...and he's biting one of them."

"No, no, I've got the situation well under control. But I thank you for your concern."

With great effort, I struggled to make my way to my hotel several miles away, Lucard in tow via my ankles the whole way. I could hear him screaming behind me, "Please Anna! This is ridiculous! Surely you can see you love me and I love you and we should be married! And you're tearing up my suit and I look like hell! PLEASE!"

I stopped at the entrance to the hotel to turn and finally respond. But as I looked down on his dirty and bloody face, his eyes tearing up from the gritty gravel that had gotten in them, his hair full of dust from the streets, I saw before me the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

"Oh Alexander! I've been such a fool! Of course I'll marry you!"

He attempted to get up, but crumpled into a fetal position, groaning with pain. I waited for him to get his act together, and finally after ten minutes he struggled to stand before me. I giddily threw my arms around his neck, sending seething pain rippling through his entire frame. He cried out in agony, especially after I insisted he carry me home to his castle. We made it two steps before he collapsed and let out a disturbing, unidentifiable sound when my body landed on top of his, crushing two ribs. Thoroughly annoyed, but still madly in love, I called for a taxi, dragged his worthless ass into the car, and we sped off towards "our" home. He finally regained consciousness after the cabdriver helped me dump him on his front steps.
He managed to squeak out, "Darling, please stop kicking me there. I'm awake now."


Pleased my "helping" had done the trick, I picked up my cellphone and proceeded with wedding plans at once. In the mean time, Lucard's sad excuses for zombies had collected his tattered body and hauled it indoors, depositing on the kitchen table where it would be well out of the way. When he could walk again he made his way to the Great Hall, where servants, caterers, decorators, and flowererers were already well on task, all the while I was directing and demanding away.

"Alexander!" I squealed with glee as I rushed to his arms. Stopping me before I could full-body tackle him, he instead gently kissed my forehead.

"It looks lovely my dear. When is this blessed event to occur?"

"Two hours. You're going to stop limping by then, aren't you? It isn't sexy at all."

"I'll certainly do my best, my love. Who's coming?"

"Well, everyone I've ever met for my side, including my mother who hates Europeans. I had a bit more difficult time with yours though. However, someone named Gustav something-or-other helped me a great deal. He was just hanging around outside your place, so I assumed he must be a good friend of yours. He's your Best Man, by the way."

"Uh..."

"He was so pleased to be asked, too Alexander! He got very excited and ran home and returned with his whole adorable family, along with bags and bags of what he said would make the "perfect wedding gift for you." Wasn't that sweet?"

"Uh, Anna...."

"He also told me to make sure to invite your good friends, Nosferatu, Dr. Cross, and your coworker, Klaus."

"DAMMIT!"

"Don't swear in front of the priest, Alexander. Oh, and speaking of which, the priest here had a few more priests come by and exorcise the place. They said it was just riddled with evil things."

"AHHHHHHHHGGGGGG!!!!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake Alexander, you needn't be so melodramatic about everything. And take that silly stake away from your chest, you're not getting out of this wedding that easily. Besides, you could put someone's eye out with that. Now give it to me. Alexander, give me the stake. Give it to me. Now. GIVE IT TO ME!"

*POOF*

"Well darn.... OK then everyone, party's over. Get out."

And so ended my destiny with my love, my dream, my hottest-ever creature of the night. I shall never forget him for as long as another man never walks in front of m--oh hey there....

"Hey Klaus! Over here!!"

THE END.

13 comments:

Whitney A said...

Clever...and might I add, a work that could only be attributed to you! :- Did you ever watch the TV series Moonlight? Sadly it wasn't renewed after the damn writers' strike. But it was my regular Friday night standby. Still haven't read Twilight. I'm guessing it's a little more syrupy than The Cobra Event? :-)

Abby said...

Yeah, yeah, thanks. "Clever" ~ "Oh, please." Don't deny your hatred for my writing ability!!

I never did see the Moonlight series, only because it looked exactly like a do-over of Forever Knight.

Twilight is indeed more syrupy than The Cobra Event, aka "The Book That Has Yet to Make Me Stop Peeing My Pants In Horror." Twilight isn't scary, deep, or moving. You won't miss anything in your life should you choose not to read it. I resisted for a long time myself, just on principle alone. But it was entertaining if you're looking to kill several, several hours in a row.

Alyssa said...

This story is so freaking awesome. I said it then, and I'll say it again now :)

(btw found your blog via an image search for GJ. lol)

Abby said...

Seems more than a few people find it doing image searches for GJ/Lucard. :) Hooray for this!

Nikki Reagan said...

So, yeah, I was absolutely obsessed with this darn show and in love with Mr. Alexander Lucard at that time... and this is the funniest thing I think I've read, ever. Really. =)

Abby said...

Glad you liked it! I'm quite partial to it myself. Good times, good times.

cmford714 said...

LOL - Your story is a riot! I just rediscovered this series and watched a few eps. tonight for the first time since it originally aired in the early 90s. I had forgotten how much fun this show was! I stumbled onto your story while playing around on the net, and it just made me laugh outright. Good stuff all around.

Kim Colley said...

Dude, I am so glad I deleted my fanfic 20 years ago.

Abby said...

What are you saying?

Kim Colley said...

If you were rough on Madame X, you would have massacred me. :)

Abby said...

Ah, I see. :) Possibly true. But hey, I only did if for the laughs anyway.

Anonymous said...

I have been enjoying this wonderful work for days! It truly is hilarious! I have always thought it was odd the Lucard ended up as the romantic basis for many a story. As much as I loved him, and did I love him! I never really saw him as someone I could settle down with! It went completely against the basics of his nature! I remember being very angry when he let Margot go. For few minutes I was beside myself, and then thankfully the tag came alone and saved it. I simply couldn't look at him the same way if her had just let her go! Thanks for the wonderful trip down memory lane, I have to head out and but the DVD set now!

Abby said...

I'm glad I could bring the memories back for you. Yeah, that episode never sat right with me, either. The only redeeming part of it was him killing her. Now THAT'S the Lucard we all know and love!