31 July 2008

The Peanut Gallery

I've devised a most clever and ingenious bedtime routine for Peanut. It is absolutely no-fail. I felt it only fair to share my techniques for everyone else's benefit in case my readers are ever in a pinch.

Peanut's job: to claw and snap at me like a rabid badger. Kicking is also preferred, and some strained grunting is good to throw in there, too, all while he gives his every effort to break free.

My job: to hold him down like I'm about to brand a calf, and restrain him until he completely loses the will to fight and simply passes out from exhaustion. Then I gently and lovingly lay him in his crib until the blood returns to his brain and he regains consciousness. Ta-da!

In other Peanut News, the boy had his nine-month checkup not too long ago. Dr. Smart-alec is back to being his old jovial self, except he now laughs at absolutely everything I say whether I intended it to be funny or not. He shares family and personal stories with us and treats us like we're old friends. He is intensely interested in every single word I utter. Funny that he wasn't this attentive and caring before he nearly killed our kid. Ah...guilt. Is there anything you can't do?

As for Peanut's stats, he has gained weight certainly, but not enough to put him back on the chart. So he's still in the zeroeth percentile. But wait! For his length, in three months he went from the 5th percentile to the (wait for it)...35th percentile! Holy Mother of Hasselhoff, how did that happen?? At least I now know where all that food I fed him went. And since his checkup he's gained a pound in weight, so that's comforting. Here's to hoping he makes it to 20lbs before he's five! And before CPS takes him away!

Most people have to go a lifetime before finding their doppleganger, if ever. I found Peanut's twin in a Fisher Price catalog. Whew, glad that wait is over. I showed this picture to the Husband and we marveled verily. Now it's your turn to marvel. Marvel! I demand it!

Speaking of doppelgangers, I finally saw mine the other day as I was sitting in traffic. A woman who looked exactly like me was turning in front of me as I was waiting at a light. I was mesmerized by my own image before me. It's like I was having an out-of-body experience. My first thought accompanying the sight of her was not wonder at having seen my double, nor questions about where she came from or if she was related in anyway. My first thought, and I kid you not, was, "Huh. When did I get a silver car?"


Bonny said...

I reread your tips about getting Peanut to sleep several times, not only so I could memorize the information and use it myself, but because I couldn't stop laughing each time I read it. Thanks for all the laughs, funny lady.

heidi said...

So what are you chanting while you keep your death grip on the kid? I could only keep my sanity during such a bedtime routine if I had something soothing to repeat to myself. Personal experience has shown that "why did I have kids" and "where the heck is Terence" over and over do not work.

Whitney A said...

So how tall is the peanut these days?

judiroso said...

Huh, funny we used the same technique for Sophie, too bad she got bigger and we can't hold her down as well anymore.

Benteti5 said...

Is doppleganger really what that is called or is that your version of thingamajigger or something? Did you see that Friends episode about the hand twin, funny? Some randon knowledge you possess.
Side note, how can your kid not love the water? I would bathe my fussers like 5 times a day just to get them to shut-up and now they're little fishes.

Stephanie B said...

Loved your tips on putting Peanut to bed. i could have used that when i put him down a few months ago. I guess I put him down before he passed out.

I'm so proud of him for getting to be such a chubby boy. And yes, that boy does have the exact same smile as Peanut. Quite adorable.



happy happy birthday abby dear happy days will come to you all year, if i had one wish then it would be a happy happy birthday to you from me.

I have a feeling that we will be singing this song lots together!

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

you are seriously so stinkin funny! I really wished you would blog more so I could have a good laugh. :) I love the way you put things. :)

Gwennifer said...

Well, as much as I would love to tell you that Peanut's bed tips have been working wonders for my children, I need to acquire said bundles of joy before you become my primary care consultant. Lo siento.

Anywho, I have updated my blog so that I can finally get in on the mass communication I've been missing out on.

Congratulations on having a cool blog :]

Abby said...

Wow, such excellent reactions to my poor parenting skills! I'm totally going to print off this page for Dr. Smart-alec for my defense. That is, if he ever has the guts to question my parenting ability again.

What do I chant? "Only a couple more minutes, only a couple more minutes, only a couple more minutes...." While he's sometimes a fighter, his will doesn't last very long. So that's why he's still alive and well.

He was a healthy and impressive 27.75" at last check. And now 16.5lbs. And I'm so glad to hear that The Foolproof Technique has worked wonders for Sophie, too. Phew!

Yes, doppleganger is what it's really called. Actually, it has a more sinister definition because people believed seeing your double (or the ghostly version of it) meant bad mojo. This comment has been brought to you by Wikipedia.org "Where everything is accurate because we say so!".

How can he hate the water? You really have to ask that?

You know Steph, when you told me you put him down screaming the exact thought in my head was, "She just didn't hold him down long enough until he passed out."

Thank you, Lisa. I'll be thanking you a lot more in the near future.

Thank you, Mindy! I wish I blogged more, too. Tell my kids to quit asking for me already so I can do it.

Ah, Genny. My 19-year-old double. Good times. Good times.