I've devised a most clever and ingenious bedtime routine for Peanut. It is absolutely no-fail. I felt it only fair to share my techniques for everyone else's benefit in case my readers are ever in a pinch.
Peanut's job: to claw and snap at me like a rabid badger. Kicking is also preferred, and some strained grunting is good to throw in there, too, all while he gives his every effort to break free.
My job: to hold him down like I'm about to brand a calf, and restrain him until he completely loses the will to fight and simply passes out from exhaustion. Then I gently and lovingly lay him in his crib until the blood returns to his brain and he regains consciousness. Ta-da!
In other Peanut News, the boy had his nine-month checkup not too long ago. Dr. Smart-alec is back to being his old jovial self, except he now laughs at absolutely everything I say whether I intended it to be funny or not. He shares family and personal stories with us and treats us like we're old friends. He is intensely interested in every single word I utter. Funny that he wasn't this attentive and caring before he nearly killed our kid. Ah...guilt. Is there anything you can't do?
As for Peanut's stats, he has gained weight certainly, but not enough to put him back on the chart. So he's still in the zeroeth percentile. But wait! For his length, in three months he went from the 5th percentile to the (wait for it)...35th percentile! Holy Mother of Hasselhoff, how did that happen?? At least I now know where all that food I fed him went. And since his checkup he's gained a pound in weight, so that's comforting. Here's to hoping he makes it to 20lbs before he's five! And before CPS takes him away!
Most people have to go a lifetime before finding their doppleganger, if ever. I found Peanut's twin in a Fisher Price catalog. Whew, glad that wait is over. I showed this picture to the Husband and we marveled verily. Now it's your turn to marvel. Marvel! I demand it!
Speaking of doppelgangers, I finally saw mine the other day as I was sitting in traffic. A woman who looked exactly like me was turning in front of me as I was waiting at a light. I was mesmerized by my own image before me. It's like I was having an out-of-body experience. My first thought accompanying the sight of her was not wonder at having seen my double, nor questions about where she came from or if she was related in anyway. My first thought, and I kid you not, was, "Huh. When did I get a silver car?"