25 November 2008

Take Two Aspirin

Oh, you'll wait for my "Twilight" review, all right. YOU'LL WAIT REAL GOOD.

So I don't have pneumonia, which is what the doctor was askeered of me having when he heard my symptoms today. Instead, I only have a sinus infection (I won't bore you with the disgusting details of that). The doc prescribed Augmentin ("Amoxicillin on crack" he says), Flonase, saline nasal spray, as well as a humidifier and lots and lots of fluids. He said I should be feeling noticably better in 3-4 days. Yeah, well after three weeks with this I don't care how long it takes just as long as I can stop with the gallons upon gallons of mucus already. It takes me a friggin' hour to blow my nose every morning and it's getting old.

I've never been to this doctor before and I suspect he's new, not just because I'd never heard of him (and apparently neither did the doctor's office since his name was not to be found in the list of physicians approved to work there), but because he actually took the time to explain everything to me. And when I mean explain, I mean he got into college professor lecture mode and explained everything in excruciating detail (even in layman's terms no less!). I felt awkward not taking notes, so I just tried to look as enthralled as I possibly could.

It has been my experience that the new doctors fresh outta doctor school are the most likely to explain things to death. Not only have they just finished having things explained to death to them in school, but they don't hate their patients enough yet to not let them in on their thinking processes. I was amazed that he took as much time as he did to explain my medical situation (things I never even knew about myself, but probably didn't need to know, either) and I complimented him on it. He looked at me questioningly as if to ask why I was complimenting him on what he obviously assumed was a standard practice among his fellow physicians. Ah, naive, young doctor--it will come in time my boy. All in good time.

This got me thinking about how the other medical professionals I've met in the recent past would have handled the exact same situation. Here's my best approximation of their reactions to discovering my diagnosis for themselves:

Dr. Referral: Um...hm. I could have sworn we covered this in medical school....
Dr. Smart-alec: Well I know what you DON'T have...cancer! Seriously though, here's a prescription.
Dr. Guilt Trip (PW's doctor): I'm pretty sure whatever it is, it happened because you're a bad mother.
Dr. Drugs (my neurologist): I've got 57 drugs here we can try over the course of the next two years. Which do you want first?
Nurse Excruciating: Does it hurt if I jam my finger into your sinus? Stop screaming, it's distracting. I've also got a hammer here we can try. How about now?
Dr. Pain: I bet if I tap into that sinus it'll get fixed right up. Wait there while I get my nailgun.
Dr. Combat: *scribble scribble* You're fixed. Now go away.

I think I like this new Dr. Over Explain. Call me and I'll recommend him to you. You know, before he catches on that he's not supposed to be helpful.

21 November 2008

"I Can See Russia From My Premiere!"

I can't believe it snowed in Maryland in November. I can't remember the last time that happened. Well, MY part of Maryland that is (my part is the one part getting sunshine while the rest is in the midst of a blizzard; basically, where I live sucks). Anyway. Thought I'd share my joy.

On to the vitriol! Last night I made a concerted effort to catch Letterman since Stephen Colbert was on plugging his Holiday Special coming up this Sunday night at 10pm. We all recall the love and affection I feel for Stephen, despite his hating me for my religion alone (don't deny it Stephen! Not that you would or anything!). Oh yes, I am nothing if full of love, hope, and charity, the pure love of Christ, and that goes for people who hate me in return. Or rather, people who amuse me enough that I don't care whether they hate me or not. You hate me AND you're not even funny about it? Forget that.

So SC was entertaining as always and I'm glad I caught him. I also wanted to catch Letterman because Kristen Stewart of "Twilight" fame was going to be on. If I'm going to be packing myself (plus Stephanie and Ethel) into a movie theater full of shrieking teenaged girls, I want to know what I'm totally getting into first. I will come to my thing about the movie in a second, never fear my pets. First, Kristen. I've only seen her in two things to date: a bit part in "Jumper" and the "Twilight" previews. Up until last night, I could honestly say I'd hated her as an actress in every single thing I'd seen her in. And after last night on Letterman, I can now say I officially hate her as a person, too. It finally struck me last night that Kristen (and I will refer to her only as Kristen, because calling her "Stewart" would do a severe disservice to Jon of the same) does not just act like a despressed, inert and tragically expressionless teenager, she IS a despressed, inert and tragically expressionless teenager. The only thing I observed her doing last night through her mumbled speech and constant crossing and uncrossing of her hideously toothpick-like legs, was running her fingers through her now red hair and flipping it around. Really, that's it. She even admitted to Dave (who was not amused) that she is incredibly boring and she wondered what on earth she would even talk about when she came on. Huh, how about the movie you're so inexpertly plugging? If your life is as tedius and dull as your expression indicates, then talk about something else. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD IN THIS WORLD, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Her final parting mumbled exchange revealed that when the European premiers are through, she will get a car from where ever she is at that moment ("You know, London, or Berlin, or whatever") and drive to Russia. Dave replied, "Well, let's hope it's Berlin." It amazes me how often he has to save his interviews from his own guests and their collective stupidity.

And then they showed the clip she brought from "Twilight," which was the boring bit about her asking Edward how old he is and how long he's been that-a-way, blah blah blah. She would have done better to bring the clip of her getting squashed by the truck--I'm sure after that interview people would have been mobbing the theaters just to see that. Take my advice, Kristen. People don't like celebrities who look and act like narcissistic jerks who are too cool for the rest of us. And I hate to break it to you, but when the fans don't like you, they don't pay for your movies and you're out of a job. Russell Crowe, bless his crazy frickin' heart, learned that the hard way. One year he earned the #1 spot on the list of celebrities who are jerks to their fans. And then the very next year he was at the top of the list of celebrities who are the most fan-friendly who don't chuck cell phones when they're angry! It's a Christmas miracle! And I hate to bring this tidbit up as well, but Russell Crowe can actually act. He's GOOD at it. In the spirit of the holiday season, I will refrain from completing my thoughts on the list of differences you have with Russell Crowe. Much like Val Kilmer, you are not a good enough actor to be able to go into public without a huge smile on your face and a kind word for every idiot you meet without eventually winding up asking people if they would care for fries with that. I loath being the one to bring this up to you, but you aren't accomplished enough to be who you are at this very moment. If you improve your acting in any possible way, I would hone up your people skills first and act like a normal non-sulky, non-standoffish little lady. You'll get a lot further in life that way. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

Yes, we're going to the movie tonight. Why wouldn't we? The previews themselves, as I've alluded to earlier, were painful enough to leave me in a cringing heap of siezures; I suspect the movie can't be much better. But see it we must! And try not to laugh we also must! But if I have to kill a few teenagers to get the best theater-going experience possible, I will not hesistate to do so. But in all honesty, that's really my standard operating code in any situation. If they're anything like oxygen-wasting Kristen, I figure I'm doing their families a favor anyway. Zing!

17 November 2008

You Exist to Make Me Feel Better About Myself, Right?

See, this is why I don't exercise.

Also, why I don't leave my house.

Because I would totally do that.

14 November 2008

Help! The DNC is Stalking Me!

HOLY CRAP ALMIGHTY, the Democratic Party DOES read my blog!! Remember when I said the husband and I had been talking about Hillary making a great choice for Secretary of State?

What the crap is this??

I think I need to go change the locks on my doors now (you know what an infestation of Democrats will do to your resale value).

13 November 2008

A Dose of Humility

I know it'll shock you, but I've been known to make fun of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on occasion, mostly for their classical renditions of popular, decidedly non-classical music. But there's no denying it when they get a song absolutely perfect.

12 November 2008

How About a Cheer for the Navy?

I love Veteran's Day. It's the day half the channels on TV show classic war movies. I ran across one of my favorites last night, "This Is the Army," a musical with songs by the famous Irving Berlin, and despite already owning the movie myself, I sat down and watched the entire thing. Not only is the music great, but the entire cast of the film and the musical show it was based upon was made up of active duty Army personnel with all proceeds of the broadway show and the film going to the Army Emergency Relief Fund. The film came out in 1943, the original stage production having come out the year before, and the original Army stage production that was based upon having come out during WWI (also written by Berlin), making the film basically based upon actual events. The film stars people like a then-Lt. Ronald Reagan, and as a special treat, the film is famous for actually featuring Irving Berlin himself on stage, singing one of the songs he wrote for the show. This song, "Oh, How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning" happens to be one of my favorites; the clever lyrics make the song particularly funny, although the idea of murdering the base camp's bugler simply for tending to his military duties as ordered is amusing enough.

As Robert Osborn of TCM recounted last night, one of the behind-the-scenes stories from the film had a stage hand, one who neither knew who wrote the music for the production or who Irving Berlin even was, upon hearing Berlin's less-than-melodious voice belting out his own song, said, "If the guy who wrote that song could hear this guy singing it, he'd roll over in his grave." Indeed, Berlin was not known for his singing ability by any stretch, but considering his extraordinary talent in the music composition field, most people forgave him for it just the same. It was still spectacular to see him in the show.

Admittedly, if you're not into song and dance numbers, you won't enjoy this film. The Husband felt patriotic enough to watch for the first 10 minutes before conveniently wandering off to attend to more pressing matters like staring at the kitchen sink. I did, however, make him come back for the Navy number, which frankly is the best song in the entire movie. In typical Navy fashion, approximately 1 billion sailors crash the Army musical number in progress, rush the stage, scatter the Army guys, and begin singing their own number instead.

The Army this, the Army that
Is all we heard from where we sat,
Now how about a cheer for the Navy?

The Army's great, the Army's tough,
But don't you think we've heard enough?
So how about a cheer for the Navy?

Incredibly enough, these sailors had the foresight to also include a scale mockup of a battleship onstage for their musical performance. Amazing. And I hate to say it, but their coordinated marching far exceeded that of the Army's (although I'm fairly certain it was Army enlisted merely dressed in Navy attire anyway) and made for a spectacular display onstage.

A few years ago the Husband and I went to the 1812 Overture performance on the lawn of the Washington Monument (that's in D.C., my geographically challenged friends). The performance is free and features the U.S. Army band and chorus putting on various numbers, not all military related. (The conclusion, as you may have guessed, is the band's performance of the 1812 Overture, complete with synchronized mortar fire provided by the 3d United States Infantry Regiment--it's incredible.) To my point, some of the numbers the chorus sang were from "This Is the Army." It was my fondest wish that they would get around to "How About a Cheer for the Navy" with the Navy chorus rushing the stage and taking over for one number. That would have been awesome. Why aren't I in charge of making these decisions again?

My point is, if you have never seen actual WWII-era Army enlisted men dancing in a chorus line in heels, boy howdy have you been missing out.

And lookie what I found! Not the best quality, but you still get the effect.

11 November 2008

Confessions of a Strange Woman

The lovely lady who is responsible for my new header, April, tagged me with this thing where you confess to seven weird things about you. Normally I avoid these things since I tend to give away far too much questionable information as it is, but since she is up with the awesome I will do her bidding.

1. No, I most certainly do NOT have a Barbie doll collection so why does everyone keep asking me that?! Just because I have 15 Barbies in pristine condition displayed in our den on shelves does not constitute a Barbie collection in my mind. I just happen to have 15 different Barbies that represent things that interest me, but Barbies in general hold no interest on their own. For example, I have Presidential Candidate Barbie, which represents my love for politics; I have Swan Lake, Nutcracker, and Romeo & Juliet Barbies, which represents my love for ballet; I have Beatrix Potter Barbie, which represents my love for her books that I was raised with; I have BYU Cheerleader Barbie, which is in honor of my alma mater; and I have various Barbies in traditional attire from countries around the world, which I just think is fine. BUT I DON'T HAVE A BARBIE COLLECTION. SO SHUT UP ALREADY.

2.) I know how to fix toilets. My father taught us so we would quit whining. I've fixed the one that keeps breaking at church more times than you can shake a stick at. You're welcome.

3.) I am an avid egg nog connoisseur. I love egg nog, but it has to taste just right. For example, the egg nog I excitedly purchased last evening at Costco (first of the season no less!) is the Land O'Lakes brand. It has the right texture and thickness, but the flavor is lacking. It is on the right track, but it's slightly too dull. Amazingly enough, it tastes a lot like butter (can't imagine why). I haven't had the perfect egg nog since I was a child and we had it delivered to our home each holiday season. My mother signed up for Royal Crest Dairy milk delivery starting in November every year simply to have their brand of egg nog (the premium stuff, not that lite crap) delivered as often as we wanted up through the New Year. The likes of this egg nog have never been equalled, I assure you. If you hate egg nog, it's because you never tasted Royal Crest. Probably because you weren't raised in Colorado. I can't help it if you weren't.

4.) I am in love with Gregory Peck. Favorite G.P. movie: Twelve O'Clock High. Second favorite: To Kill a Mocking Bird.

5.) One of my favorite things to do is watch people get their hair cut. Fascinates me. If I could have been something I'm not, it would have been a hairdresser.

6.) I am annoyingly tidy in other people's houses. It is second nature for me to push in the dining room chairs, to straighten armchair covers, turn off unused lights, etc. I have to actively tell myself not to do those things in other people's houses so they won't be offended; unfortunately, the more comfortable I am in your house, the more likely I am to do it because I let my guard down. Honestly, if you see me doing that in your house, I'm not saying anything about your homemaking skills--I do the exact same thing in my own home, too. It's just a habit I don't even think about. I'll apologize now so I don't have to later.

7.) Despite my blogheader, I hate parades. They're boring. They're boring because they're slow. Now, if everyone in the parade were running, that would be awesome. Parade floats whipping down the road, honking, marching band members running in every direction. Perfect.

05 November 2008

No One Likes an "I Told You So."

But that won't stop me from giving you one. And I'm not talking about yesterday, I'm talking about nearly a year ago when I said if the DNC could get Barack on the ticket, he would win the White House, and not just because Democrats would vote him in, but because Republicans would, too. (Go read it again; it was good. I'll wait.) He won the election nearly as handily as Reagan won the first time around. And I say, he deserved the win. Well done, Obama. Well done on a hard fight won. Now, please don't screw it up.

As for McCain's loss, I blame Bush. Last night I was angry. Not angry with Barack--as I said, he did a good job and he deserved the win. No, I was angry with Bush--to the point of shaking. I have wanted nothing more in the past ten years than to see my boy, McCain, in the Oval Office. And that IDIOT Bush took it from him. He first took it from him back in 2000. And why did he win? How could a man who is the most retarded a human being can be without being on life support win over someone as qualified as McCain? Name recognition. That's it. He had a famous last name. Retarded or not, he took the Primaries (which cost me no small degree of consternation at the time, I can tell you that) and left McCain in the dust.

I waited for eight years for McCain to be able to run again, all the while aging away. And what did Bush do in that time? What? What's that you say? Make everyone who has ever lived or ever will live hate our ever-living guts? Blow trillions of dollars we don't have on a war that "would pay for itself"? Conveniently forget to capture Bin Laden when it no longer served his purposes? DING DING DING DING! And what did that do for us? It made Americans hate Bush and every single thing that he has ever been associated with, especially my political party and MY CANDIDATE. He stole the White House from McCain in 2000 and he stole it from him again in 2008. I can't wait for that idiot to leave.

McCain and I have had our differences, many of which I have voiced on this blog in the past, and I had to have a long heart-to-heart with him before I voted in this election. This entire past month I seriously weighed the pros and cons of Obama and McCain before I cast my vote yesterday. What I finally realized that what I had admired and loved about McCain ten years ago hadn't changed much. Yeah, he's older and he got a little desperate (hard lesson learned from that campaign against Bush), and possibly a little stupid (*coughpalincough*), but the core was still intact. That's what I'd been looking for all along, and that's what I found again before I checked his name. We don't always agree on issues, but we agree on principles, and that's I wanted in my president.


Anyway. What's done is done. And on to much stranger 100th post-worthy news (this is my 100th post, after all), my post yesterday was featured (and by featured, I mean a vaguely worded link was made to my blog) in something called The Mormon Times! What? When did we get this? Apparently it is a website-based subsidiary of the Deseret News and is dedicated to keeping Mormons up to date with whatever it is we need to know or something. They have a section on LDS-oriented blogs and blogrolls ("containing the best of what we've seen from the world of LDS-oriented blog sites"), and for yesterday's Election Day coverage mine was the personal blog linked to. Thanks for the shout-out, Emily Jensen, whoever you are! Pity she hadn't chosen a post that was actually worth linking to, but hey, I'll take what I can get. I'm famous! W00t!

And I know I just included videos yesterday, but today's video is in true honor of McCain. And it's only a minute and a half. It's one of my favorite campaign ads of all time:

My Blog Header Is Prettier Than Your Blog Header

If you're reading this on your Google Reader, knock it off for a second and come and look at my new blog header. It was fabulously crafted for me by the ever-talented April over at April Showers. Please note how hot she made me look (and by hot, I mean completely accurately hot). And also note how the whole "parade theme" of Delusions of Grandeur has finally been demystified through her master artistry, rather than people simply wondering if I was just really, really in love with parades. Do you get it now? Yeah. Me. All. About. Me.

Thank you, April! Feel free to go visit her. Right now.

04 November 2008

Place "I Voted!" Sticker Here

So much to write about, so much time spent reading everybody else's blogs instead.

Yes, I voted today, thank you for asking/questioning my patriotism and dedication to the democratic process. But voted for who?? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.

Seriously though, it was McCain. I ignored the fact that he had a running mate. Ah, McCain. The only time I'll finally get to vote for you for president and you have to go and do a whole bunch of stupid crap to make me question my loyalty to you. I admired your stance against torture, what with your firsthand knowledge of it and all. I admired your willingness to work with members of both parties just to get the job done. I admired your voting against allowing people with no money to be given large mortgages that they would never have a chance of repaying which would drag the economy and dump it in the toilet. I admired that your tax plan that would save me more money than Obama's. I liked your healthcare reform plan and how it seemed to work best with what we have now.

I did not appreciate the idiot you picked as your VP, however. What were you thinking, my man? Did it have anything to do with your recent crawl towards the extreme right? Did you honestly think your new campaign strategy didn't appeal enough to Conservatives to the point that you would need to drag along an induhvidual like Palin to keep right-wingers from voting for Obama? Seriously? And I think rabid Hillary fans would have voted for you whether you had a woman on the ticket or not--they were voting against Obama, not for you. If nothing else, dumping Palin on the ticket likely turned many of them off to the point where they thought they might be better off with Obama afterall. Some folks believe that once you're elected Palin will get quickly swept back under the rug. I hope to Hannah that they're right. As much as I didn't want him as president, I think Romney would have made a far better VP candidate. Maybe the McCain camp figured he'd already been dragged in the mud and that would have been brought up all over again if he'd picked him. Who knows.

But in all seriousness, I do believe Obama will win. Liberals/Democrats will vote for him, and heaven knows Bush has upped their membership numbers. The poor and disadvantaged will vote for him, and heaven knows the country's numbers of those are growing. Minorities will vote for him, and heaven knows they've waited a long time to feel like they're being represented in the Oval Office. And everyone else who is disillusioned with the government of today will swing left and vote for him just to get a breath of change, and heaven knows I don't blame them for it. So be prepared to witness history, people!

If you all failed to see it on youtube, you are missing out. The Annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner is a venue in which each presidential candidate (the two that count, you silly people) roasts the other in front of an audience. I gotta say, their writers did a fabulous job. And McCain did a great job delivering it, too. If only he had humor writers in reality, too....

Yes, each video clip is 6-7 minutes long, so if you have to do it in spurts, do it. It's worth it. The first two are of McCain's bit, and the last two are Obama's. Both did a great job of poking fun at themselves and their opponents.