Spread the Talent

Even if you've never seen an episode of SpongeBob, you've gotta admit this is pretty funny. (For those who haven't seen an episode, Gary is SpongeBob's pet snail. All snails sound and act like cats where SpongeBob lives.)



Apparently the voice talents behind SpongeBob and his friends wanted to prove they were capable of more than just cartoons (or so goes the story they tell anyway). Heh heh. The "Singin' in the Rain" bit still makes me laugh.

Onion Alert!

I had grand plans to post something else today, but I have just become aware of this and I feel I must therefore post it instead.



Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

OH IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD BABYSIT MY CHILDREN AFTER DARK SO I COULD GO WATCH THIS.

I Smell An Oscar!!

The Husband and I watched a movie the other night. I was so delighted by it that I can't possibly withhold it from you any longer. This movie is so superb, yet I still don't know what its name is, and apparently neither does the internet. Husband and I were bored Saturday night, what with having exhausted both our and Stephanie's collection of Netflix movies, so we cornered Comcast On Demand and selected some free film called "Survival/Mountain," whatever that means. The description, a couple who survive an avalanche in the Himalayan Mountains and struggle to survive afterwards, sounded interesting enough. We're all about watching pathetic attempts to live. So we started it up and were immediately thrilled to see that it was a made-for-TV movie; few things afford laughs better than made-for-TV survival films, especially after the Husband's last choice about killer locusts devouring America who are finally defeated by a giant makeshift bug zapper. Brilliant!

Back to our Oscar-winning show. The movie was advertised as being based upon a true story. I have my doubts about this as I will explain later, or at least their definition of "based upon" and "true." Also, "story." The film begins with a snippet of what is later to come, I'm assuming to rope its viewers into hanging around. It certainly worked. I wanted to know how the hell two perfectly healthy looking individuals could be whining about dying. They looked fine to me, and I should know, since you all know I'm a trained doctor. The film goes back to two weeks prior in these healthy individuals' lives when we learn that Wife is turning 40, going through a midlife crisis (I'm assuming), and is insistant that she and Husband go hiking in the Himalayas in November. "We'll have two seasoned guides and a cook with us! What could go wrong?" they tell her wise, avalanche-nightmare-having mother who does not want them to go. We know what's going to happen of course, because Mom is worried sick for her daughter and son-in-law. And because we read the movie description beforehand.

These idiots show up and sure enough, set off with their crew, who are natives of Nepal and supposedly know what they're doing since they say so, and start hiking up this mountain. They camp overnight. The couple points out that one of the guides isn't wearing clothes, or at least not weather-appropriate clothes. Head Guide explains he's from the South (I don't think he means Mississippi, although that would explain it too) so he'll just have to learn the hard way to wear a coat the next time he goes up A MOUNTAIN WITH SNOW ON IT. Yeah, OK. Husband never ceases to vocally fret about Southern Boy. During all this, weather stations are freaking out because some weather system is coming--a hurricane or something (I don't pretend to know these things)--and everyone should get off the mountain in a hurry. And most do, except this troupe.

During the night, Head Guide says it's Bad Weather and they need to pack up and leave. They pack up one or two things, abandon the rest (like food and tents) and hurry off. Then the Weather System arrives in the form of the blizzard, followed shortly thereafter by the aforementioned avalanche. The avalanche misses them, but apparently covered up Head Guide's breadcrumb trail, because for some unfathomable reason, he has NO clue how to go back to the city they just came from, like, 12 hours ago. So these idiots wander around the Himalayans for days, looking for the city, and failing that, any settlement at all. During all of this, I am persistently quizzing the Husband about why they continue to climb UP the mountain when the city they just came from is below them. He assures me he has no clue, but it's thoroughly entertaining to him just the same. After another avalanche finally gets the cook and Southern Boy, the crew really starts taking this seriously. Well, after they miraculously find the two buried in snow (what, are they cadaver dogs or something?) after digging for two minutes. Southern Boy ain't looking so hot, so fretting Husband gives him his coat, and later his boots, and finally his gloves. Husband, or Martyr as I like to call him, goes largely without.

Having no shelter, these people who have been on this mountain with no food or shelter for about a week, cheerily build themselves a snow cave. And not even with impliments of any sort, but their bare hands. And within an hour or two they have a wonderfully spacious and firmly packed snow cave the size of a hotel lobby. They sleep comfortably and not at all fitfully, or you know, dyingly, like any other human would. Eventually, Martyr gets tired of Head Guide giving them an undesirable tour of the mountains and announces he's going to save them all once and for all, starting with following that there river down there. "Finally," I said to the Husband, "They're actually doing something sensible. I don't believe it." Not to worry pets, it didn't last long. Yes, the river does flow downhill and since most settlements can be found near watersources, following the river is a very good idea. But apparently these people don't know that you can actually follow the river on the side of it, because they insist that each and everyone of them, including those barely surviving hypothermia as it is, get IN the water and start following it that way. I'm convinced they would have slept in the water too, had they not already been so in love with their snow caves. Perhaps they were tired of walking in wet snow and were hoping the river would be less wet? I don't know.

Anyway, two minutes later Head Guide and Cook decide that the other three were slowing them down and they needed to beat feet. They take off, leaving Southern Boy half-dead and Martyr with obvious frostbitten hands and feet. Mind you, throughout the entire movie Wife is perfectly chipper at all times. Upbeat, never weary, hungry, cold, nothing. It'd be irritating if it weren't so funny. The three decide to camp for the night, and with Martyr and Southern Boy being out of it, Cheery Wife builds the snow cave with her own hands by herself in an afternoon. Perhaps not the Ritz-Carlton this time around, but at least a DoubleTree. SouthernBoy dies in the night and Martyr goes wandering off in a stupid haze and goes careening off a short cliff. He lies there and waits for Cheer Bear to show up and comfort him, despite the fact both of them look perfectly fine and healthy as horses. Oh, but the smudge of blood on Martyr's lip means he's dying! Right, forgot that. Then Wifey's dead father shows up in Mafia garb and throws up weird and disturbing gang signs and suddenly the couple see a band of a dozen hikers tromping past them up ahead. The couple argue about this, with Martyr saying things like, "Leave me, I'm done for! Save yourself! Get help!" And Wife saying, "No, I won't leave you! I can't! A soldier never leaves a fallen comrade behind, Semper Fi, Oorah!!" That last one may not have happened. But you get the idea. By the time Wife finally takes off running (again, through the river) to catch up to the hikers, she's completely lost them, despite the fact they were maybe five minutes ahead of her. And they left tracks in the snow for her to follow. Which she didn't. Of course.

We see Wife literally crawling through snowy mountains that have never been touched by humans, all the while thinking she can still catch up with the hikers. Hikers who had obviously never been there. The movie cuts back to Marytr, still on the side of the river (I wonder why she didn't just put him in it?), waiting patiently as he freezes to death, never thinking that perhaps that dead guy in the cave up there might have some coats, boots, gloves, pants, underwear, and whatever else Martyr gave him that he won't be using anymore. We're supposed to believe that Wife went crawling and stumbling forEVER, which she did, and did she find help? Of course she did. She accidentally wanders into the city they started from. No joke. These idiots have been lost for weeks and she crawls back in a day? Why wasn't she put in charge from the beginning? Oh wait, she was following those hikers, not trying to find the city, so logic would tell us had she been looking for the city, she would instead have found Hell. Or something like that. Anyway, she wasn't in charge for good reason.

So Helicopter guy takes her up and they start looking for Martyr. "I left him next to a river." "What, not in it?" (But I kid these retards.) She gives very helpful clues like, "We were around a bend in the river," and, "I think we were near some trees." Of course, they find Martyr, still waiting patiently for death. They yell down to him that they can't reach him on the banks of the river; he'll have to get in the river to reach him. Of course. What is it with these people and getting in the water in subfreezing conditions? When they get back to the city, they find Head Guide and Cook and Martyr more or less tells them they're going to hell for leaving them. Sounds good to me.

They get home to the States, Martyr loses his toes and fingers due to frostbite, and they all go on and on about how grateful they are to be alive. Indeed, Idiots. And it is here that I have to take serious issue with this being a true story. Without the aid of Hollywood (or whatever back alley company made this film) this couple would have died years ago with a collective hand on a fork in a light socket, and you and I both know it. People that stupid simply cannot survive something like that without artistic license on their side.

Even after reading this, if you have Comcast on Demand and a free hour and a half, check it out. You honestly can't go wrong with a movie like that.

The Long Awaited and Now Entirely Forgotten Review

OK, I figure I've put it off long enough to where most people have forgotten I said I was going to do it. Perfect!

I haven't felt exceeding levels of motiviation to review "Twilight" for two reasons: 1) Half of you cornered me the day after I saw it and asked me my opinion then, and 2) You're all going to be very disappointed in what I have to say anyway. Allow me to explain, won't you?

Let's start with an example. Stephanie (you remember Stephanie) knew the movie would suck, but still held out a glimmer of hope that it wouldn't be as bad as she feared. She wound up hating it. Now class, who can point out where she went wrong? Anyone? Anyone? Yes, that's right, the part where she hoped it wouldn't suck. That was her big mistake. You will discover throughout the rest of my comments here that with regard to Twilight, hope is your worst enemy.

Now let's take another example, that being Ethel, who I also saw the film with. Ethel knew the movie would suck. She hoped for nothing, including coming out without having slit her wrists to end the pain. Ethel walked away from the film pleasantly surprised.

I know how Ethel felt, because I had much the same experience as she. Before the film came out I watched the youtube videos of the Twilight film in production and all versions of previews to be had. Why? Because I did not want to go into this film unprepared, specifically for the worst. The previews alone sent me spiraling into a deep abyss of personal horror. The previews are supposed to be examples of the best parts of a film to entice potential viewers to see it. And the previews were embarrassingly bad. The preproduction videos were even worse. I've decided there's only one thing worse than seeing a trainwreck and that's watching it actually happen. Such were the preproduction videos. Even now the thought of them make me heave just a little. "This is gonna be BAD," I said to myself. I went to see it anyway.

What I discovered while watching the film was that I had successfully set my expectations low enough in nearly every category enough to be satisfied. Two categories though, were a problem for me. The first was the special effects of the film. I recall watching the preproduction shots and thinking, "Man, those special effects look awful. I sure hope (DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER) they aren't nearly as bad in the film itself!" They were. Worse even. And they left me intensely disappointed. I didn't expect much mind you, but I expected them to look better than that. It was not to be so. In fact, what they had saved from showing in the previews for us to marvel at in the film itself were some of the silliest effects of the whole movie. I realize they were working with a tight budget, but how do you screw that up so monumentally? They really should have warned us that Edward's version of "running" would resemble more what a cat does when he doesn't want to be picked up but you pick him up anyway--that comical sort of leg-flinging in midair sorta thing. I only recall chuckling twice during the film, and that was one of them.

The other chuckle I got was contributed in large part by reading Eric D. Snider's review of the film first. If you haven't checked out his film reviews before, you are seriously missing out. The worse the grade he gives a movie, the funnier the review. Not only are his reviews hilariously harsh and sarcastic, but he uses a great deal of hyperbole to make his point. When he said that Carlisle's make-up job was so bad he looked like a mime, I laughed out loud thinking, "Oh Eric, your exaggerations sure do crack me up!" And then when I actually saw Carlisle onscreen with caked-on makeup so extreme and pasty white he actually looked like a mime, I again laughed out loud, because honestly, what are the odds? And how can a director look through a film camera and NOT see what that man looks like?

Aside from those two issues, the rest of the film left me either on track with my original lack of hope or even pleasantly surprised. I need to point out, not surprised because it was good, but because it wasn't nearly as bad as I had prepared myself for. I remember thinking about halfway through, "You know, this is actually kinda cute!" I still think that. It was cute--much cuter than I had ever anticipated. And to boot, the acting wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, either. It was bad, no question. But not AS bad. Are you catching on now? I was even impressed that Kristen Stewart seemed to not be playing herself once or twice. Congratulations, Kristin, you little twit! You didn't hose up the movie entirely by yourself!

Speaking of which, I will also admit that the truck-cruching scene was waaaaay better than I assumed it would be based upon preproduction videos. It was actually kind of exciting! And not just due to the thrill of seeing Kristin Stewart almost get crushed to death! It actually looked almost realistic, with great sound effects and everything. So props to the film for having one awesome five-second scene! W00t!!

And I will also gladly compliment Twilight on its modest levels of humor. I recall laughing out loud several times throughout the two hours at honestly funny jokes. A couple were duds, but by and large, the jokes were funny and by and large, all of the good ones came from Bella's dad, Charlie. Billy Burke (the actor who plays Charlie) has been in comedies before (most notably "Jane Austin's 'Mafia!'") and his excellent comedic timing and deadpan delivery did not go unnoticed by me. He was the best part of that whole film (other than Kristen getting squashed).

We were in an audience full of several different kinds of folks, ranging from the young girls to senior citizens out on their date night. And several times during the film we had moments full of laughter that was not intentional by the film. I didn't understand this. If they had done even the slightest amount of research, none of the crappiness they saw should have surprised them to the point of laughter. Who honestly went into this movie thinking it would be good? Like, on normal scales of achievement? Who did these people think they were kidding?

If you have yet to see the film because you live under a rock or are as cheap as all get out, approach the film the same way you should have approached the books: with a healthy dose of caution, extreme research beforehand, and miserably low expectations. If you hope for anything it will not happen. I guarantee that is the only formula for successfully emerging from the experience with happy thoughts.

I'd like to end on a funny note by directing you to Eric Snider's Rejected Twilight Screenplay. For those not in the know, Eric Snider is first and foremost a comedic writer. His "rejected" screenplay is similar in style to the abridged Titanic screenplay he wrote ten years ago that caught on like wildfire around the internets. You might as well go read that one, too.

"I Can See Russia From My Premiere!"

I can't believe it snowed in Maryland in November. I can't remember the last time that happened. Well, MY part of Maryland that is (my part is the one part getting sunshine while the rest is in the midst of a blizzard; basically, where I live sucks). Anyway. Thought I'd share my joy.

On to the vitriol! Last night I made a concerted effort to catch Letterman since Stephen Colbert was on plugging his Holiday Special coming up this Sunday night at 10pm. We all recall the love and affection I feel for Stephen, despite his hating me for my religion alone (don't deny it Stephen! Not that you would or anything!). Oh yes, I am nothing if full of love, hope, and charity, the pure love of Christ, and that goes for people who hate me in return. Or rather, people who amuse me enough that I don't care whether they hate me or not. You hate me AND you're not even funny about it? Forget that.

So SC was entertaining as always and I'm glad I caught him. I also wanted to catch Letterman because Kristen Stewart of "Twilight" fame was going to be on. If I'm going to be packing myself (plus Stephanie and Ethel) into a movie theater full of shrieking teenaged girls, I want to know what I'm totally getting into first. I will come to my thing about the movie in a second, never fear my pets. First, Kristen. I've only seen her in two things to date: a bit part in "Jumper" and the "Twilight" previews. Up until last night, I could honestly say I'd hated her as an actress in every single thing I'd seen her in. And after last night on Letterman, I can now say I officially hate her as a person, too. It finally struck me last night that Kristen (and I will refer to her only as Kristen, because calling her "Stewart" would do a severe disservice to Jon of the same) does not just act like a despressed, inert and tragically expressionless teenager, she IS a despressed, inert and tragically expressionless teenager. The only thing I observed her doing last night through her mumbled speech and constant crossing and uncrossing of her hideously toothpick-like legs, was running her fingers through her now red hair and flipping it around. Really, that's it. She even admitted to Dave (who was not amused) that she is incredibly boring and she wondered what on earth she would even talk about when she came on. Huh, how about the movie you're so inexpertly plugging? If your life is as tedius and dull as your expression indicates, then talk about something else. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD IN THIS WORLD, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Her final parting mumbled exchange revealed that when the European premiers are through, she will get a car from where ever she is at that moment ("You know, London, or Berlin, or whatever") and drive to Russia. Dave replied, "Well, let's hope it's Berlin." It amazes me how often he has to save his interviews from his own guests and their collective stupidity.

And then they showed the clip she brought from "Twilight," which was the boring bit about her asking Edward how old he is and how long he's been that-a-way, blah blah blah. She would have done better to bring the clip of her getting squashed by the truck--I'm sure after that interview people would have been mobbing the theaters just to see that. Take my advice, Kristen. People don't like celebrities who look and act like narcissistic jerks who are too cool for the rest of us. And I hate to break it to you, but when the fans don't like you, they don't pay for your movies and you're out of a job. Russell Crowe, bless his crazy frickin' heart, learned that the hard way. One year he earned the #1 spot on the list of celebrities who are jerks to their fans. And then the very next year he was at the top of the list of celebrities who are the most fan-friendly who don't chuck cell phones when they're angry! It's a Christmas miracle! And I hate to bring this tidbit up as well, but Russell Crowe can actually act. He's GOOD at it. In the spirit of the holiday season, I will refrain from completing my thoughts on the list of differences you have with Russell Crowe. Much like Val Kilmer, you are not a good enough actor to be able to go into public without a huge smile on your face and a kind word for every idiot you meet without eventually winding up asking people if they would care for fries with that. I loath being the one to bring this up to you, but you aren't accomplished enough to be who you are at this very moment. If you improve your acting in any possible way, I would hone up your people skills first and act like a normal non-sulky, non-standoffish little lady. You'll get a lot further in life that way. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

Yes, we're going to the movie tonight. Why wouldn't we? The previews themselves, as I've alluded to earlier, were painful enough to leave me in a cringing heap of siezures; I suspect the movie can't be much better. But see it we must! And try not to laugh we also must! But if I have to kill a few teenagers to get the best theater-going experience possible, I will not hesistate to do so. But in all honesty, that's really my standard operating code in any situation. If they're anything like oxygen-wasting Kristen, I figure I'm doing their families a favor anyway. Zing!

"Really??"

See? Look. Really long time. Thanks for commenting, some of you.

Anyway, if you follow Navel Gazing, you've already seen this. If you don't, go follow that blog and then get back to me. I'm stealing the video she has up right now. It's GREAT.



See? GREAT. And in case you hadn't seen it (and thus didn't get some of the parody) here is the official trailer it was based upon:

Are You Sitting Down?

It's funny. When I posted my list of favorite movies I thought I would be accused of being simplistic and taking the easy way out. Most of the films on my list are Academy Award-winning films, many of them winning for Best Picture. I assumed my readers would say, "Yes, but those are everybody's favorites. How about some that aren't, you tool?" Well, that will learn me. After pondering these things, I'm going to go into an unnecessarily long bit about a few of my film choices. If you have some place to be, I recommend you going and doing that first, 'cause we're going to be here a while.

It occurred to me last night that perhaps not everyone is familiar with the term "black comedy." Believe me, it has nothing to do with Tyler Perry, if for no other reason than what he does cannot be construed as comedy in any form. Black comedy is what it's called when something normally of a very serious, grave nature is turned into something funny. "Dr. Strangelove" is possibly the most famous example of a black comedy. It mocks the most horrific of scenarios: worldwide nuclear holocaust. The lesser known "Kind Hearts and Coronets" is also a black comedy. It makes light of the murder an entire family. If you removed the humorous dialogue, it would be considered a horror film. But the fact that the main character, played by Dennis Price, narrates his story with such a dry, subtle, and clever wit it becomes hilarious. It also doesn't hurt that he dispatches each of his extended family (all eight played by Alec Guinness, including an aging suffragette) in unique and humorous ways. The end result is a brilliant comedy that doesn't mind how many horrific deaths it takes to make you laugh.

I love musicals. I particularly love funny musicals, and it simply doesn't get any funnier than "My Fair Lady" ("Singin' In the Rain" runs a close second). Based upon the classic story Pygmalion, a wealthy language researcher bets that he can take a "gutter-snipe" flower girl and "pass her off as a duchess at the Embassy Ball." Hilarity ensues. But what is more entertaining in this production is the collection of brilliant songs. Listening to Rex Harrison sing (well, he was more famous for just speaking his singing lines--the father of rap, some called him) about his male chauvinistic views on women will put you into laughable tears. His contention that women's heads are full of nothing but "cotton, hay, and rags" is wonderful. Not only are these smart lyrics key in showing just what makes the professor tick, but helps show his progression through the relationship with the flower girl, Eliza. While he never totally turns over a new leaf with regard to the feminine sex, it turns out he's willing to make a small exception in the case of an equally strong-willed woman like Eliza, whom he finally admits he can't live without.

There are two versions out there of "The In-Laws." There is the newer version with Michael Douglas, and then there is the funny version. I'm still unclear about why someone felt the need to remake the original comedy, let alone put Douglas--a decidedly non-funny actor--in its lead role. If you're tempted to watch that version, let me save you a lot of heartache and tell you to go straight to the original source for your comedy needs. The original was a entertaining, humorous bit of great comedy. The remake was a terrible bastardization in every way. If something was funny in the original, the writers of the remake concluded that exaggerating that humor until it was unrecognizable and shoving it down the audience's throat would be the best way to go. I say again, don't bother. From here on out I will pretend that the remake never happened; you would do well to do the same. The In-Laws is a story about a crazy CIA operative (Peter Falk) who is so secretive, not even his family knows what he does; they believe every ridiculous outlandish lie about his whereabouts overseas that he tells. His son is due to marry a very ordinary dentist's daughter soon and it is that dentist (Alan Arkin) who finally learns what Falk does for a living, after unknowingly being sucked into one of the biggest heists in US history. The fact that Falk can play crazy very seriously and genuinely only makes the humor fatter. He is not a parody of himself. He simply is. Arkin makes the perfect straight man to Falk's insanity. It is genius.

I've been in love with "Stalag 17" since I was a child. I have this thing about studying POWs: probably something I should be discussing with a qualified therapist. At any rate, "Stalag 17" was and still is the best of them. It is a fictional drama/comedy about life in the nonfictional Stalag (Luftwaffe POW camp) 17-B during WWII. It centers around William Holden who plays Sefton, a dispicable character who takes every opportunity to take advantage of the rest of the prisoners to make his own situation a little more comfortable. He is later accused of being a "stoolie" (stool pigeon) and ratting out his fellow prisoners--some of them being murdered by the Germans as a result--to the German guards in exchange for favors. He takes it upon himself to find the real stoolie before more prisoners get killed in the process. A great war-time whodunnit. I haven't seen its equal since.

"Mister Roberts" is a favorite of mine and my father's. We watch it together every chance we get. Based on the Broadway play, which was based upon experiences had by the writer in the US Navy during WWII, it stars Henry Fonda as Mr. Roberts, who played the same role in the stage production--he even wore his own Navy uniform from his wartime service for the role. Mister Roberts is the XO and but one of few officers onboard a US Navy cargo vessel during the war. His best friend onboard is Ensign Pulver (played by Jack Lemmon, who won his first Oscar for his performance), a shiftless, lazy officer who, after more than a year onboard has never even met the cruel, tyrannical captain of the ship (James Cagney) because he's scared of him and because he spends most of the day lying in his rack, sleeping or plotting various ways to exact revenge upon the captain--if he can ever get up the nerve. Roberts's confidante, the ship's surgeon (played by William Powell), keeps Roberts sane and ontrack with a good sense of humor and fatherly compassion for Roberts's desire to see real action in the war instead of seeing toothpaste and toilet paper safely delivered to fighting ships. The film is a comedy, but its overall tone speaks more to the silent killer of war: the boredom and stress that eventually take their toll on the otherwise strong fighting men and women and their ability to continue, despite frayed minds and wills. In the end, Mister Roberts pays special tribute to those who are constantly forced "to sail from tedium to apathy and back again." While funny, it is more a moving tribute to those who sacrifice just as much during a war, but who never see the recognition for those sacrifices.

"The Power of One" I've come to realize is an all-but-unheard of film, let alone book that it was based upon. The film centers around "Peekay" (P.K.) from the time he is a small boy to approaching manhood. Starting in the 1930s, it follows Peekay througout his young life in South Africa during the height of racial tensions between the native South Africans and the German South Africans and the English South Africans. Peekay is called the Rainmaker for his ability to unite the factioning tribes of South Africa in an effort to combat the cruelty of the German South Africans who have since taken control since the outbreak of WWII. Known for his ability to lose everyone he loves or who has ever loved him, he nonetheless presses on toward the bigger goal of bringing peace, largely through education, to the South African tribes. Stephen Dorff, who plays Peekay as an older teenager, is suberb. I was especially impressed that he can actually resemble something other than a heroine addict. Not surprisingly, that seems to coincide with his ability to choose good films to star in, as every other film he's chosen has sucked since that time. This one is actually worth his, and our, while. Simply, it was a life-altering experience for me.

You know a film is good when you can't stop talking about it, even days after you've seen it. "Thirteen Days," based upon RFK's memoirs, holds the distinction of being the only film that left me speechless after seeing it. In school we learned about the Cuban Missile Crisis and our teachers told us that we will never know just how closely our country came to nuclear holocaust during that time. I always figured they were exaggerating the circumstances and that sure, things were tense, but no one was honestly foolish enough back then to intentionally start a nuclear war. Not so. As paranoid as the public was back then--and rightfully so it would seem--they had no comprehension of how close to death they actually came. It was only due to the cool-headed diplomacy of Jack and Robert Kennedy, and apparently Kevin Costner with a "Boston" accent that will make you cry, that saved the situation from complete disaster; and all that despite Kennedy's staff and the Joint Chiefs telling them that war was the last and only remaining option available to them. I don't believe JFK was the greatest president we ever had--far from it--but he was the best for that situation. I believe God puts people in our path at specific times to change history for the better, and I honestly believe now that we needed someone like JFK at exactly that moment, who was one of the few at the top who was willing to ignore and defy his advisors in order to save the situation from catastrophe and avoid a conflict at all costs. We are living today because despite being mocked for lacking a spine and a few other manly things, Kennedy refused to accept that war was the next logical step. That is nothing to be sniffed at. And the film's portrayal of those events spanning 13 long days is phenomenal. Bruce Greenwood (JFK) and Steven Culp (RFK) are amazingly convincing as the Kennedy brothers, particularly Culp. Costner did his best as JFK's friend and advisor, Kenny O'Donnell. At least he kept up the terrible accent through the whole film, as opposed to abandoning it halfway through like he did in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves." But good on him for at least starring in something worthwhile.

As I told Ms. Holly, I am obsessed with dystopian, or more accurately, anti-utopian portrayals of society. George Orwell's novel 1984 ("Big Brother is watching") is probably the most famous example of the anti-utopia, a society that is horrifically twisted, corrupt, and evil, but which tries to give the outer appearance and assurace that it is a utopia, bright with hope and promise for its citizenry. Animal Farm satirized the anti-utopia, which at the time was characterized by the real-life communist countries of the Soviet Union and China. While I find it fascinating to make parallels between the fictionalized anti-utopians and communism in reality, I've discovered that I'm actually looking more for signs that our own country has moved in the same direction, despite touting its anti-communism ideals. I've seen similarities for years, but it wasn't until recently that I realized we are not approaching the anti-dystopia; we are already in it. I'm still processing this crushing revelation so I don't have much more to add to it. But of the few anti-utopian/dystopian films I've seen, I honestly enjoyed Christian Bale's "Equlibrium" the most. A surprisingly clean film considering what one would expect from the working material and what filmmakers could have gotten away with, it is not a true anit-utopian tale in that it ends with a glimmer of hope. And Christian Bale shoots lots and lots of people.

I saw "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg" entirely by chance one night. I was about to turn off the TV and head for bed when Robert Osborne, the host of TCM, began to introduce a French musical they were about to show. The concept sounded interesting--a film in which every word that would be spoken was instead sung to music. Kind of like an opera, but not as irritating. I decided to check it out for 15 minutes before heading to bed; plus Robert insisted that I personally (I'm assuming I was the only one watching TCM at 2am) would not be disappointed with the film. After 15 minutes I couldn't bear to turn it off, so I decided to watch for just 15 minutes longer. This went on until the film ended at 4am without my ever having been able to look away. Despite the simplistic "lyrics," or because of them to some degree, I was spellbound by the hauntingly beautiful music that accompanied this heartbreaking love story. I also discovered one particular song, "I Will Wait For You," ("Dans le Magasin" on the soundtrack) within the score was very familiar; as it turns out, it is quite well-known, originating with this film. I've seen the film several times since then, particularly since renting it, and then owning it, despite not understanding a word sung therein. I dare say you don't have to with this one.

"Safety Last!" is likely Harold Lloyd's most famous film. Harold Lloyd was the Will Ferrell/Bill Murray of the 1920s. "Safety Last!" while not as funny as his "The Freshman," is still an incredible piece of filmmaking. The iconic photo of Lloyd hanging from the hands on a large clock on the side of a building are from this film. A film in which he scales and generally trips about on the outside of a tall building. It's interesting to note he was willing to do the film, with minimal assistance from a stuntman, despite being terrified of heights. It will make you squeal with empathetic terror. The things people do for the sake of comedy....

"White Christmas" isn't just great because of its holiday message and great music from Bing Crosby and fabulous choreography from Danny Kaye. It also speaks to the story of a retired Army wartime general who has been pushed aside by the military and all but forgotten by everyone else. Crosby's rendition of "What Can You Do With a General (When He Stops Being a General)?" always gets me. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I cry every time the general walks in at the end and discovers a host of people waiting for him: people who he assumed had long forgotten him after he was no longer the war hero from ages ago. I admit, it doesn't feel like Christmas to me without seeing this film.

"Airplane!" "UHF" and "Napoleon Dynamite" are just stupid, stupid humor. And I love it.

The Doctor Is In--and Fading Fast

Last night I began to watch the 1965 epic film "Dr. Zhivago." I love Omar Sharif and Alec Guinness. I love Russian and Soviet history. I love epic films, particularly during their hayday in the 60s. The score, particularly the well-known "Lara's Theme," is absolutely beautiful. But I cannot stand "Dr. Zhivago." I've tried to watch this film THREE TIMES and I simply cannot get through it. Last night I was praying for death after 20 minutes. It doesn't help that the film is 57 hours long (and TCM plays their films without commercial breaks). 56 hours of those is staring. Staring at each other, staring after someone, staring at the landscape, staring at grass growing. I consider myself a patient filmgoer, but I can stand only so much staring after a while before I curse the filmmakers. After each attempt at this movie I wait a few years, afterwhich I've forgotten why I hated it so much. I think that perhaps I was just tired when I last watched it, or I wasn't in a good mood, or whathaveyou. I decide to try it again afresh and I actually get excited at the prospect of perhaps actually enjoying it this time around. The film begins as we're welcomed by the sight of Guinness, who has never performed poorly in a film in his life. "This is the time!" I say to myself. By the time Omar Sharif finally takes the screen at around 10 minutes in I hate it all over again. "YOU SUCK," I yell at it. "YOU'VE LIED TO ME FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME. YOU'RE AS ENTERTAINING AS MY WRISTWATCH." Fortunately, The Daily Show was on by then, saving my TV screen from further scorn and ridicule. That is, until three years from now when I wonder why I don't like "Dr. Zhivago" and decide to find out why.

Speaking of films, I've decided to make a list of my favorites. Why? Because I can.

*Musical: "Gigi" (1958: Leslie Caron, Louis Jourdan); "My Fair Lady" (1964: Audrey Hepburn, Rex Harrison)

*Classic Comedy: "The In-Laws" (1979: Peter Falk, Alan Arkin); "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming!" (1966: Alan Arkin, Carl Reiner, Jonathan Winters)
*Modern Comedy: "Groundhog Day" (1993: Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell); "Office Space" (1999: Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston)
*Black Comedy: "Kind Hearts and Coronets" (1949: Alec Guinness, Dennis Price)

*War Drama: "Stalag 17" (1953: William Holden, Otto Preminger); "Bridge on the River Kwai" (1957: Alec Guinness, William Holden); "Twelve O'Clock High (1949: Gregory Peck)
*War Comedy: "Mister Roberts" (1955: Henry Fonda, Jack Lemmon, James Cagney); "No Time For Sergeants" (1958: Andy Griffith, Nick Adams)

*Western Comedy: "Support Your Local Sheriff!" (1968: James Garner, Harry Morgan)
*Western Drama: "High Noon" (1952: Gary Cooper, Gracy Kelly)

*Science Fiction: "The Empire Strikes Back" (1980: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher)
*Non-Star Wars Science Fiction: "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie" (1996: Michael J. Nelson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy)

*Epic: "Lawrence of Arabia" (1962: Peter O'Toole, Omar Sharif, Alec Guinness); "Spartacus" (1960: Kirk Douglas, Laurence Olivier, Tony Curtis)

*Documentary: "The Fog of War" (2006: Robert McNamara)
*Mocumentary: "Best In Show" (2000: Christopher Guest, Parker Posey)

*Fictional Historical Drama: "Empire of the Sun" (1987: Christian Bale, John Malkovich); "The Power of One" (1992: Stephen Dorff, Morgan Freeman)
*Nonfictional Historical Drama: "Thirteen Days" (2000: Bruce Greenwood, Kevin Costner)

*Action/Adventure: "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen)
*Dystopic: "Equilibrium" (2002: Christian Bale, Emily Watson)
*James Bond: "Goldfinger" (1964: Sean Connery)

*Sports: "Cinderella Man" (2005: Russell Crowe, Renée Zellweger); "Field of Dreams" (1989: Kevin Costner, Ray Liotta)

*Chick-flick: "Return to Me" (2000: David Duchovny, Minnie Driver)
*Romance: "The Scarlet Pimpernel" (1982: Anthony Andrews, Jane Seymour, Ian McKellen)

*Horror: "The Changling" (1980: George C. Scott); "28 Days Later" (2002: Cillian Murphy, Christopher Eccleston)
*Hitchcock: "Strangers on a Train" (1951: Farley Granger, Robert Walker); "North By Northwest" (1959: Cary Grant)
*Suspense: "Gaslight" (1944: Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer); "The Others" (2001: Nicole Kidman)

*Foreign Language: "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg" (France, 1964: Catherine Deneuve, Nino Castelnuovo); "Raise the Red Lantern" (China, 1991: Gong Li)

*Silent Feature: "Safety Last!" (1923: Harold Lloyd); "The Cameraman" (1928: Buster Keaton)

*Holiday: "White Christmas" (1954: Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye)

*Animated Disney: "Sleeping Beauty" (1959)
*Live-action Disney: "Summer Magic" (1963: Hayley Mills, Dorothy McGuire)
*Pixar: "Toy Story" (1995)
*Non-Disney Animated: "Anastasia" (1997)

*Parody/Satire: "Airplane!" (1980: Robert Hays, Leslie Nielson); "UHF" (1989: Weird Al Yankovic, Michael Richards)

*Cult Classic: "The Princess Bride" (1987: Cary Elwes, Robin Wright); "Napolean Dynamite" (2004: Jon Heder)

*Independent: "Saints and Soldiers" (2004: Corbin Allred, Kirby Heyborne)