28 July 2008

Got a Little Irish In You?

While I promised that I would make fun of my friend "Lisa B." in my next post, I decided that can wait at least until tomorrow. This is bugging me now and must be spoken of immediately before I get over it.

So I like Celtic Woman. I especially like Chloe Agnew, even if she does dress like your crazy, 68-year-old Aunt Toosey. She's, what, 8 or something? She's young. And very talented indeed. And I'm assuming Irish. Anyway. Good singer. The whole Celtic Woman crew is good and I enjoy their performances on TV and CDs in my CD players.

So was it any wonder that I would curiously marvel at the male version of Celtic Woman: Celtic Tiger, or Celtic Canine, or whatever the crap they're called. Celtic Thunder, that's it. Personally, I'm of the strong conviction that if you're going to rip off a group like Celtic Woman you might as well rip off the name correctly, too. I wish to assist them in this endeavor, so from now on I will only refer to them as Celtic Man. Being a somewhat regular viewer of PBS (what with me being in their target demographic of 87-to-89-year-olds) I was surprised when I first learned of the existence of Celtic Man and decided I must have a looksee. Their first number left me quite amused, until I realized that it wasn't supposed to. Then it left me exceedingly amused.

Five guys make up this group. First, there is Chloe Agnew, Jr., who I'm assuming is five or something. More shocking than his youthful appearance is his man-like singing voice. It's almost terrifying coming out of such a small boy. I told Husband that he had to come witness this aberration for himself, to which he exclaimed, "Holy crap!!" I'll let you "Holy crap" for yourselves:

Next on our list of oddballs is Depressing Old Guy, seen here:

Depressing Old Guy gets all of the weepy, depressing songs about kids and parents dying. He frequently conveys his depression over his lyrics by getting down on one knee and staring at the floor of the stage. He then rises, squints at the stage lights, moves to the other side of the stage, gets down on the other knee, and stares down. This goes on for some time.

Then there is Opera Guy, who is clearly a classically trained singer. That's fine, except when you're trying to take said singer seriously as he sings "Nights in White Satin." It's like listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "Under Pressure."

Then there is some other Blond Guy who's actually quite good, so he has no place here.

And finally, my favorite guy in the group: Creepy, Leering, Future Public Sex Offender Guy. Not only is his musical delivery unsettling at best, but the songs he's chosen or been assigned are the worst songs in the entire group. My favorite of his horrific crafts is "Ride On," a mindnumbingly repetetive song that only has five words. Even with my idiocy still in tact I had the song memorized by the end and was gleefully singing it along with Creepy, Leering, Future Public Sex Offender Guy. I'll allow you the same joy here, mostly because I'm such a giver:

If you need to get that taste out of your mouth, here's Blond Guy singing a traditional Irish tune, "The Mountains of Mourne." Note how he can be Irish and not laughable at the same time. Creepy Guy, take heed.

Post Script: Celtic Man doesn't take kindly to Youtube posting their lousy crap so occasionally the videos posted here stop working. So as to prevent you from missing out on the intended fun, search Youtube for "Celtic Thunder Puppy Love," "Celtic Thunder The Old Man," "Celtic Thunder Ride On," and "Celtic Thunder Mountains of Mourne" in that order to see what I'm talking about above. Because you really, really don't want to miss any of that, particularly "Ride On."

Strangely enough, "Ride On" and the Creepy Guy who sings it has quite a fan following. I can only surmise that the following is largely made up of women who would otherwise fall in love with death row inmates awaiting execution but who have been temporarily distracted by this man's disturbing musical output. Speaking of which, I was reminded on a recent viewing of "Ride On" of one of my favorite parts where Creepy Guy is staring down the guitarist during a guitar solo as if he's wondering how best to decorate with his empty skull after he decapitates him. It's great.


Bonny said...

Most amusing post, as always. I had several laugh-out-loud moments. I also love Celtic Woman. There is a group, perhaps you've heard of them, that I'm sure puts Celtic Thunder to shame (from what I've seen of your video clips). I'll have to double check on the name but I think they're called the Irish tenors (not to be confused with the Three Tenors). They're really really good.

Abby said...

They are indeed the Three Tenors and they are indeed good. You're absolutely correct that they put Celtic Man to shame. Obviously not difficult to do, either. But still.

Karie said...

ABBY! Too hilarious! I caught this show about the same time you did and nearly gagged on my own, well, you know. I'm not the biggest fan of Celtic Woman, but Celtic "Thunder" is...is...is just *NSYNC with accents, I tell you what.

How did I not know you had a blog? You've been holding out on me.

elesa said...

Thank you. I've really been remiss in keeping up with PBS specials, so I missed this one. I'm going to be laughing about it all day.

elesa said...

I had to watch "Ride On" again, just for fun. I especially love the little dance he does near the beginning. And the fact that it is the only dancing he does throughout just makes it funnier. Its like he wanted to dance, but decided he looked dumb, so instead he just stood in different spots on the stage. Very moving.

elesa said...

And who is he singing to? Death?

Abby said...

You know, I never thought to think that one through. But Death does make the most sense. Maybe he knows where he's going....

Abby said...

FYI, here are the Ride On lyrics:

"True you ride the finest horse I have ever seen,
Standing sixteen, one or two. With eyes wild and green,
You ride the horse so well, hands light to the touch,
I could never go with you no matter how I wanted to.

"Ride on, see you, I could never go with you
No matter how I wanted to.
Ride on, see you, I could never go with you
No matter how I wanted to.

"When you ride in to the night without a trace behind,
Run your claw along my gut one last time.
I turn to face an empty space where you used to lie,
And look for the spark that lights the night
Through a teardrop in my eye.

"Ride on, see you, I could never go with you
No matter how I wanted to.
Ride on, see you, I could never go with you
No matter how I wanted to.
No matter how I wanted to."

Death it is!