19 July 2008


It has come to my attention that my current interest in the Twilight Saga has not gone unnoticed by those who disapprove with this choice in reading material. I went to a wedding reception this evening where I briefly spoke with my friend, Ethel, upon entering the building. She warned me that her husband, Fred, had become aware of my recent readings and was most upset. She explained that he had come to believe I was one of the few non-crazy women in the world, what with my MST3K obsession and general interest in other "boy things" as Stephanie would put it (my friend, Bonny, pointed out that if he knew me was well as he claimed to, he never would have been able to reach the conclusion that I was less than insane to begin with; I concurred). The thought of me reducing myself to what both he and his wife call "pre-teen porn" was abhorrant to his sensitivies. Such amused me to no end.

To confirm Ethel's original assessment (lest I be deprived of humor if the answer changed), I checked in with her again before leaving the building. She further clarified that more than anything, Fred was "disappointed" in me. And as we all well know from our indoctrination via The Andy Griffith Show and Leave It to Beaver, having someone be disappointed in you is worse than being electrocuted while your murder victim's families witness your death.

As per the "pre-teen porn" angle, there were a couple of scenes I was surprised to see laid out in a book for 12-year-olds, too.

"My eyes narrowed as I clenched my eyebrows together into a single jagged line. "Hm. That was...saucy," I fretted to myself, convinced that the end of all that was good in my world had finally come to an end when the racy sentence concluded. My chest heaving, I wept openly for the rising generation of pre-teens who were willingly consorting with this brand of degrading literature. My only comfort in this time of uncertainty and misery was to turn to Edward, who was nearly--but not quite--as comfortable as a bag of brick bats in cement. I eagerly snuggled into his blindingly white arms and chest as his breath lulled me to sleep with its comforting and familiar aroma. His absolute-zero body temperature gave me hypothermia, but it was a sexy hypothermia so that was OK. He gently hummed the lullaby he'd written for me--composed no doubt during one of the hundreds of evenings he had illegally broken into my home to watch me sleep in a Ted Bundy-ish sort of "I love you so I stalk you" way. I suddenly felt his entire body tense and I knew that he was fighting his natural urge to kill me. Most people in my life had to fight the same urge on a daily basis, but with him it was different. It was different because he was hot.

"Sure, I had friends who hated themselves enough to hang out with me (I'm a bit of a Debbie Downer at times!), and even one kid who convinced himself that we were meant to be together, just because we "loved each other" and our relationship would be "normal" and "healthy" and "non-lethal." Whatever, screw him. "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT GET ME THE PHONE EDWARD I HAVE TO CALL JAKE AND TELL HIM I'M SORRY AND I LOVE HIM AND WON'T HE PLEASE LET ME STRING HIM ON JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER?" Edward, who loves being used and immasculated, dialed for me, apologized for me, confessed his love to Jacob for me, willingly continued the charade with Jacob for me, and hung up with a kiss and a fond farewell. Isn't Edward the best?

"Edward is absolutely everything I want, need, and dream about when I'm not wanting, needing, and dreaming about Jacob. I can't believe I just thought that! I instantly apologized to Edward, who immediatley, and appropriately, blamed himself and begged me not to feel even an ounce less than absolute and utter joy every waking second of my life. My cornflakes didn't taste quite right this morning, throwing me into a deep depression for the rest of the afternoon. Edward took full responsibility for my less-than-satisfactory cereal experience and attempted suicide. I honestly appreciated the gesture, even if it didn't rectify the cornflake-failure situation. Since then we've been as excruciatingly happy as any living being and corpse can possibly be together, and all because he was willing to take his own life the second the corners of my mouth even hinted at being less than electrically thrilled. His rippling pectorals and I are soulmates, and I will never again allow them to leave my side for any reason at all, including bathroom breaks.

"I just hope he doesn't ask me to marry him, because honestly, is there anything worse in this world than being married to the person you love, worship, adore, and want to spend eternity with? Marriage. Ew. If only there was some way to just bind our love together, officially, perhaps with some kind of ceremony. Of course we'd need some sort of official person to perform our love-binding ceremony, and we should probably get dressed up a bit for it. Maybe I should even throw on a dress or something. I'd love it if my family and friends could witness this love-binding ceremony, and oo! we could even have cake afterwards! I'm so glad I thought of this!" And...scene.

If it helps, Fred, I myself am surprised that I not only actually read Twilight to begin with, but that I found myself enjoying it despite its many shortcomings. Many, many shortcomings. It's fun, lighthearted fair full of mythical creatures like vampires, werewolves, and teenagers who are capable of rational thought. I can't always read books like biographies of General Douglas MacArthur (rivetting as that was for me). Twilight and all its silliness is the perfect balm when life walks the fine line between sanity and insanity, creating havoc and damage to your mind along the way. It reverts your memory to a simpler time when your only responsibilites were keeping a clean room and keeping your siblings out of your stuff. It's childhood all over again...but with fewer Indian burns and wet willies.


Ryan said...

Oh Abby, that post was hilarious. I laughed loudly several times while reading. And I'm so excited that my barely coherent attempt at a joke made it in! Thanks for making it intelligible.

Stephanie B said...

Very nice. I agree with everything you said. I enjoy the twilight books, but they are enjoyable fluff. Nothing of substance, fluff.

Anonymous said...

Right Said Fred.....while Ethel is keeping me in check.

Your blog has given me pause about my current position, maybe I have misjudged you. I love bad movies (by bad I mean badly made not content). Movies such as “Manos: The Hands of Fate” (and yes manos is Latin for hands so technically the movie is “hands: the hands of fate”) categorically rated one of the worst movies ever made. It turns out a fertilizer salesman from El Paso made a bet that he could write, direct, produce, and star in a profitable horror picture and lost big. His film was just a huge pile of his own product. Armed with a camera that could only shoot for 30 seconds and no sound equipment that fertilizer salesmen put together a two hour move of 30 second splices with 12 people acting and only 2 people doing voice work that was actually released into theaters. (But not many and not for long)
Or an Italian attempt to rip off of Star Wars called Starcrash. A pointless flop with a young David Hasselhoff and an over the hill Christopher Plummer (I guess they thought it worked for Alec Guinness).
At any rate, they have light sabers and robots and a death star or “Starcrash” weapon. I guess my point is I love a good train wreck, it is the acme of entertainment for a movie to make me laugh myself silly but only when they were actually trying to scare me or seriously trying to take me to a fantastic new universe.
So if you are enjoying this series on that level I not only approve, I encourage it. However, not only did you read this "STUFF" now you have (by osmosis I assume) learned to write this “STUFF” rather well. I have never been inside the mind of a twelve to twenty year old girl but these books are pretty close to what I would imagine it would be like. (Personally it is a scary place, I have read about POW camps that would scare me less). As for going back to your childhood, your memory of early teen years must be a lot happier than mine. Being an adult rules. Spending three days reading this “STUFF” to take you back to a time of insecurity, angst, drama, and all around general social awkwardness seems more like self punishment to remind you of how good you have it now. To me these kind of books along with Sweet Valley High, The Babysitters Club, and 90210 will remain as an artifact in years to come to which scholars and searchers for truth can turn and say, "This was tripe!"

Abby said...

Ethel had to keep you in check on this one? I'd hate to think what you were going to say minus her watchful parenting.

I refuse to watch a bad movie without proper mocking. Ever see "West Point," a horribly plotted silent film? Laughed my head off. The main character's best friend (a "man" if you can call him that) actually gets a concussion from being slapped. Oh, and falling down the stairs, but they never mention that part--only that his best friend slapped him. The friend even lets him take the blame for his condition. And what man slaps another man anyway? That experience taught me that silent films are perfect for mocking since you don't have to worry about talking over dialogue.

As for learning to write in Meyer's style, I would certainly hope I could mimic it to some degree after reading some 1500 pages of it. I'm talented and educated like that.

You're right on about the minds of teenaged women being scary places. They are indeed. Frightening as it is, the books are pretty accurate in that regard.

Of course it's tripe. Speaking of tripe, did I ever mention I've eaten haggis before? And I was carsick at the time? And we went Scottish dancing directly afterwards? And that I kept it all down? Bow before my awesomeness.

I still had fun with the books, even if the last one started to get on my nerves. Edward has become a disappointment. Jacob was always a disappointment. Don't get me started about Bella.


OH MY GOSH! Abby you are the funniest person I know. and I'm not just saying that. You know so many words and you put them together so well. Maybe you could give Eliza a few tips.

Don't tell anyone this, but I read Twilight too. shhhh.

Sunshine said...

My husband and I listened to the audio of it on a road trip. He was irritated the whole time and I just kept wondering how she was going to approach the topic of vampire sex. I forgot it was teen lit (written by a Mormon) so I couldn't get what was taking so long to get to the most obvious question. (Most obvious for ME, who obviously only reads/watches smut).

Anyway, total and perfect stranger to whom I just talked about vampire sex for young girls, I just thought I'd say I like your blog and also that I'm not a pervert. And I am secretly, ashamedly excited for the movie.

Abby said...

Hurray! Stranger comments! I am also looking forward to the movie. I'm all about vampire flicks. And, as a plus to the Batman film, behold there was the Twilight trailer. Woohoo!

Lisa, you still kill me with all your humorousness funny. I'm so glad you were accepted the calling to entertain me in church.