22 December 2008

This Will Hurt You More Than It Hurts Me

I'm seeing a lot of excuses and not enough cookies AND YOU CAN'T EAT EXCUSES. UNLESS THOSE EXCUSES ARE MADE OUT OF COOKIES!!

Now, last year I let you all off the hook because only two people were actually reading my blog then: one other person and me. That other person did not send me cookies this year, despite the e-note she made for herself, mostly because she hates me right now. I can't help that. BUT THE REST OF YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES FOR MY SUGARLESS, COOKIELESS EXPERIENCE. Costco?? If I wanted crap from Costco I would have bought it already! And I'm tired of those pink Lighthouse cookies, good as they are. No, only homemade cookies, complete with that extra special ingredient called LOVE--the LOVE I know you feel for me.

Why yes, Bonny, I would be open to any type of edible treat you may dream up for me, as long as those edible treats are deliciously peanut and treenut free. I thank you for your apparently guilt-ridden friendship. This is why you're going to Heaven. I can't say I'll see you there.

And a special thanks to Stephanie, who made me cookies even before she knew I had specifically asked for them. Even if my kid did lick them first.

Here's the deal. I give and give and give on this blog. I GIVE ALL DAMN DAY LONG. Now, if I don't see some love-encrusted cookies coming from somewhere soon, by gum, this blog is going straight down the toilet! That's right! I will only blog about my idiot cat, complete with at least five photos per post with her in only slightly varying poses, and I will add painfully asinine bubble quotes to each and every one! So help me....!

10 comments:

LISAandSOMETIMESJ said...

you make me laugh.
"i can't say I'll see you there"
too funny
but no cookies for you
my house is too messy to be making cookies for a friend i know will still be my friend even if i tell her that i'm only her friend for shallow social reasons.

kimmie is coming soon, maybe she will make you some cookies

thank you for making me laugh- i love your posts

Stephanie B said...

I loved that post. It made giggle. Too bad Lauren was here at that moment, she would have said, "What, Mommy, what's so funny." I would have replied with my standard answer, "Oh, Miss Abby."

Heidi said...

I feel no guilt at all. No cookies for you!

Feel free to blog about your cat all you want, I'll still read it. (You can't get rid of me that easy!)

Benteti5 said...

Hey, I have an idea. Just pretend we love you enough to send you cookies and make some yourself. You send me some peppermint bark and I'll send you some sugar cookies.

Holly said...

I want to see the cat pictures...so I'm not sending cookies.

Take that.

Whitney A said...

Bring. It. On. :-) Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Meow, hiss, pffft.

Stephanie B said...

I think you need to pick a better way of choosing your friends. Maybe you should start hanging out in the baking aisle at the store. If someone picks up the Almond extract you could inquire, "What are you doing with that? making cookies? need someone to test them?" Just try it once... I triple-dog-dare-you!

Bonny said...

I actually made you some cookies tonight but I'm not sure if they're good enough for your discriminating palate. I found this recipe for Peppermint Meltaways, so I made them tonight with the intention of bringing some your way. But they are VERY minty, so I'm not sure anyone would like them. How do you feel about peppermint? I take special pride in my chocolate chip cookies, and could always make some of those instead. (As you might be able to tell, I love an excuse to bake. And a demanding friend is a wonderful excuse.)

Abby said...

I think you overestimate my "discriminating palate," Bonny. I would love to sample some of your minty treats as well as your famous chocolate chip cookies. By all means, save this blog from cat-related stupidity with your wholesome baked friendship.

You know, Steph, I was thinking about this before I initially posted. It doesn't matter if I had asked as nicely as I possibly could or if I had threated you all as I did, I would have gotten the exact same response; the same two people would have been willing to give me cookies while the rest of you blew me off with lame excuses. Given that end, I chose to go the more entertaining (for me) route. Isn't that sad, though? If only I weren't so lazy I'd actually find myself some better friends. Alas, I'll have to settle for this lot, plus you and Bonny.

Kristi, I'd love that, except I don't like baking cookies. Why do you think I'm trying to get OTHER people to make them for me?

Jody said...

So we got back from our three-week trip yesterday to find a nice bucket of cookies on our front porch. After reading your blog, I considered dropping them off at your place (you know me well enough to not want me to cook for you)--but upon examination, there's no telling how long they've been sitting there. If it's been cold here, perhaps they've been frozen on my front porch. But let's not risk it. Just know I value your friendship too much to cause you harm from stale/frozen cookies.