25 November 2008

Take Two Aspirin

Oh, you'll wait for my "Twilight" review, all right. YOU'LL WAIT REAL GOOD.

So I don't have pneumonia, which is what the doctor was askeered of me having when he heard my symptoms today. Instead, I only have a sinus infection (I won't bore you with the disgusting details of that). The doc prescribed Augmentin ("Amoxicillin on crack" he says), Flonase, saline nasal spray, as well as a humidifier and lots and lots of fluids. He said I should be feeling noticably better in 3-4 days. Yeah, well after three weeks with this I don't care how long it takes just as long as I can stop with the gallons upon gallons of mucus already. It takes me a friggin' hour to blow my nose every morning and it's getting old.

I've never been to this doctor before and I suspect he's new, not just because I'd never heard of him (and apparently neither did the doctor's office since his name was not to be found in the list of physicians approved to work there), but because he actually took the time to explain everything to me. And when I mean explain, I mean he got into college professor lecture mode and explained everything in excruciating detail (even in layman's terms no less!). I felt awkward not taking notes, so I just tried to look as enthralled as I possibly could.

It has been my experience that the new doctors fresh outta doctor school are the most likely to explain things to death. Not only have they just finished having things explained to death to them in school, but they don't hate their patients enough yet to not let them in on their thinking processes. I was amazed that he took as much time as he did to explain my medical situation (things I never even knew about myself, but probably didn't need to know, either) and I complimented him on it. He looked at me questioningly as if to ask why I was complimenting him on what he obviously assumed was a standard practice among his fellow physicians. Ah, naive, young doctor--it will come in time my boy. All in good time.

This got me thinking about how the other medical professionals I've met in the recent past would have handled the exact same situation. Here's my best approximation of their reactions to discovering my diagnosis for themselves:

Dr. Referral: Um...hm. I could have sworn we covered this in medical school....
Dr. Smart-alec: Well I know what you DON'T have...cancer! Seriously though, here's a prescription.
Dr. Guilt Trip (PW's doctor): I'm pretty sure whatever it is, it happened because you're a bad mother.
Dr. Drugs (my neurologist): I've got 57 drugs here we can try over the course of the next two years. Which do you want first?
Nurse Excruciating: Does it hurt if I jam my finger into your sinus? Stop screaming, it's distracting. I've also got a hammer here we can try. How about now?
Dr. Pain: I bet if I tap into that sinus it'll get fixed right up. Wait there while I get my nailgun.
Dr. Combat: *scribble scribble* You're fixed. Now go away.

I think I like this new Dr. Over Explain. Call me and I'll recommend him to you. You know, before he catches on that he's not supposed to be helpful.


Benteti5 said...

Dr. Over Explain sounds good. I have Dr. don't give a crap, just suck it up and live with it or take drugs the rest of your life.

Bonny said...

So sorry to here about your current condition. Hope you feel better really soon. I only go to the doctor if I feel like I'm within an inch of death. And I haven't seen a dentist in well over a decade. My primary care doctor for the past several years had such a thick accent I could barely understand a word he said. I called in recently for an appt only to find out he'd retired months' earlier. Oops. The doctor I then saw by default got grossed out by my tonsils, told me she'd never seen any that swollen and that I absolutely needed them removed because no amount of medication would ever completely kill the infection (I still have the tonsils, by the way). She then prescribed medicine that she "wasn't sure" was safe for a nursing baby. Great.


Hey, I know Dr. Pain! Been seeing him for years.

Good luck with the infection- It's hard to be sick and be a mom at the same time. Everyone still needs you and there isn't much rest time.

Heidi said...

Yeesh, Abby, that sounds miserable but I'm glad at least you had a better than expected doctor experience.

I hope you feel better really, really soon! (And I'm perfectly fine waiting for your Twilight review b/c I don't want to know until I see it. Course your other readers may not want to wait another 3 weeks.)

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

You are so stinking funny! I seriously laugh so hard everytime I read your blog and my husband looks at me like I'm a moron! I have dealt with ALL of those doctors except Dr. Over Explain...I think I would like that doctor. Then I wouldn't feel like I am a hypochondriac with a doctor just signing a prescription to get me out of the office.

Jody said...

You forgot to bring up their "medical assistants" who never help either.

Abby said...

Oh, you mean their bodyguards who make sure you never get through to an actual doctor? Yeah, I forgot about them.

Stephanie B said...

I think I will be taking down his name. My doctor at that office is actually a PA. The PA referred me to the OB for a pain I was having. The OB, when she saw me said, "Now why did she send you to me?" The OB then told me the next time I go back, see a "real doctor." Done... and... done!