21 November 2008

"I Can See Russia From My Premiere!"

I can't believe it snowed in Maryland in November. I can't remember the last time that happened. Well, MY part of Maryland that is (my part is the one part getting sunshine while the rest is in the midst of a blizzard; basically, where I live sucks). Anyway. Thought I'd share my joy.

On to the vitriol! Last night I made a concerted effort to catch Letterman since Stephen Colbert was on plugging his Holiday Special coming up this Sunday night at 10pm. We all recall the love and affection I feel for Stephen, despite his hating me for my religion alone (don't deny it Stephen! Not that you would or anything!). Oh yes, I am nothing if full of love, hope, and charity, the pure love of Christ, and that goes for people who hate me in return. Or rather, people who amuse me enough that I don't care whether they hate me or not. You hate me AND you're not even funny about it? Forget that.

So SC was entertaining as always and I'm glad I caught him. I also wanted to catch Letterman because Kristen Stewart of "Twilight" fame was going to be on. If I'm going to be packing myself (plus Stephanie and Ethel) into a movie theater full of shrieking teenaged girls, I want to know what I'm totally getting into first. I will come to my thing about the movie in a second, never fear my pets. First, Kristen. I've only seen her in two things to date: a bit part in "Jumper" and the "Twilight" previews. Up until last night, I could honestly say I'd hated her as an actress in every single thing I'd seen her in. And after last night on Letterman, I can now say I officially hate her as a person, too. It finally struck me last night that Kristen (and I will refer to her only as Kristen, because calling her "Stewart" would do a severe disservice to Jon of the same) does not just act like a despressed, inert and tragically expressionless teenager, she IS a despressed, inert and tragically expressionless teenager. The only thing I observed her doing last night through her mumbled speech and constant crossing and uncrossing of her hideously toothpick-like legs, was running her fingers through her now red hair and flipping it around. Really, that's it. She even admitted to Dave (who was not amused) that she is incredibly boring and she wondered what on earth she would even talk about when she came on. Huh, how about the movie you're so inexpertly plugging? If your life is as tedius and dull as your expression indicates, then talk about something else. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD IN THIS WORLD, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Her final parting mumbled exchange revealed that when the European premiers are through, she will get a car from where ever she is at that moment ("You know, London, or Berlin, or whatever") and drive to Russia. Dave replied, "Well, let's hope it's Berlin." It amazes me how often he has to save his interviews from his own guests and their collective stupidity.

And then they showed the clip she brought from "Twilight," which was the boring bit about her asking Edward how old he is and how long he's been that-a-way, blah blah blah. She would have done better to bring the clip of her getting squashed by the truck--I'm sure after that interview people would have been mobbing the theaters just to see that. Take my advice, Kristen. People don't like celebrities who look and act like narcissistic jerks who are too cool for the rest of us. And I hate to break it to you, but when the fans don't like you, they don't pay for your movies and you're out of a job. Russell Crowe, bless his crazy frickin' heart, learned that the hard way. One year he earned the #1 spot on the list of celebrities who are jerks to their fans. And then the very next year he was at the top of the list of celebrities who are the most fan-friendly who don't chuck cell phones when they're angry! It's a Christmas miracle! And I hate to bring this tidbit up as well, but Russell Crowe can actually act. He's GOOD at it. In the spirit of the holiday season, I will refrain from completing my thoughts on the list of differences you have with Russell Crowe. Much like Val Kilmer, you are not a good enough actor to be able to go into public without a huge smile on your face and a kind word for every idiot you meet without eventually winding up asking people if they would care for fries with that. I loath being the one to bring this up to you, but you aren't accomplished enough to be who you are at this very moment. If you improve your acting in any possible way, I would hone up your people skills first and act like a normal non-sulky, non-standoffish little lady. You'll get a lot further in life that way. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

Yes, we're going to the movie tonight. Why wouldn't we? The previews themselves, as I've alluded to earlier, were painful enough to leave me in a cringing heap of siezures; I suspect the movie can't be much better. But see it we must! And try not to laugh we also must! But if I have to kill a few teenagers to get the best theater-going experience possible, I will not hesistate to do so. But in all honesty, that's really my standard operating code in any situation. If they're anything like oxygen-wasting Kristen, I figure I'm doing their families a favor anyway. Zing!

21 comments:

LISAandSOMETIMESJ said...

oh my.

You know you can drive from London to Russia... just have to take a big long ferry ride. But why did she want to go to Russia? I'm a little lost.

I'm glad I'll never have to go on TV to talk about myself or some movie; I would be totally lame and probably start crying or something.

Abby said...

I'm really ashamed to admit this, but if you cried on Letterman I would laugh. Not ashamed enough not to tell you though, obviously.

If I recall, you can even drive through the Chunnel, or at least get your car packed on a train that drives through the Chunnel, so that counts, too. But still...uh, long car ride. And I'm guessing she wants to be with more of her brand of depressing people. Did you know Vodka comes with paper tops in Russia? Because they know once it's opened it's never getting closed again. Yeah. There's a reason they're all drunk 24/7 over there. DEPRESSING.

Karie said...

"But if I have to kill a few teenagers to get the best possible theater-going experience possible, I will not hesitate to do so."

Oh, this is SO applicable to so many areas of life, not just theater-going. And I can't wait to hear your take on the movie, of course. I'm holding off for a year+, waiting to watch it until my SIL gets off her mission. Though if it's truly horrible, I may steer her gently away from it.

Bonny said...

I rarely watch Letterman, but I happened to catch it recently when Paris Hilton was on, and I wondered whether or not she realized that not only D.L., but also everyone in his audience, was making fun of her. It was fascinating to watch.

Ryan and I are going on our first date in months to see "Twilight" tomorrow night. If we see dead teenagers strewn about the theater, I guess we'll know why.

Stephanie B said...

So I youtubed the Letterman interview. I have one word... uncomfortable! She seemed freaked out and Letterman seemed that he was pulling teeth in order to get anything out of her. I can't wait to hear your review. I may write something... I may not.

Benteti5 said...

I don't know if I'm going to see the movie at all because Bella and Edward were so much cuter and happier in my head. I don't want the movie to ruin the book. People drink vodka in Russia because it's cheaper than milk. Maybe she's a cheap drunk and likes to drive.

Heidi said...

Well, even though I am planning to see Twilight before the baby comes even if it sends me into labor, I'm not insane enough to go opening weekend! (I guess I'm not cold-blooded enough to kill the teenagers in my way.)

Well, she wants to go to Russia. After having sat through those Russian movies in the Intl Cinema, there is nothing short of a desperate wish for suicide that could make me head there intentionally.

Jody said...

After reading your review of Kristin on David Letterman, I really can't wait to read your review of Twilight, the Movie.

I heard a report that the National PTA group was upset that so many teenagers went to see Twilight at midnight on a school night. I bet they wish you had been there to take out a few of those "bad" teenagers at midnight on opening day....

Anonymous said...

I hate to destroy a cherished belief but Russell Crowe has never been rude to his fans. I know many of them who have terrific memories of close encounters with him, in which he has been warm and very kind. He even apologized to me once at a premiere for being too rushed by his handlers to sign an autograph for me. So...you can appreciate I have a different view.
Papparazi and incompetent hotel employees...well, that was different.(Note past tense)

Heidi said...

I'm guessing poor besotted Anon must spend her life shadowing (or would that be stalking?) the impeccable Russell C. How else could she positively insist that he has NEVER been rude to a fan?

Sorry to be nitpicking on your commenters, Abby, but I couldn't resist....

Benteti5 said...

I think they're allowed to be rude. Some of them just wanted to be actors and some want to be famous, and they realized the two can't exist separately. I would be rude too. I love Gladiator regardless.

Gwennifer said...

I came to an interesting conclusion last night. Twilight is to film what the Jonas Brothers are to music. Everything in the media these days is about hooking tweens fresh out of elementary school and looking for something to bandwagon after. Anyway, both Twilight and JB will be of no consequence in the next five years, so I'll just wait it out until the next lame pre-teen fad pops up.

I was particularly upset at Blockbuster last night to see that there were at least two Disney or some other magazines featuring Jonas Brothers on the cover front and center on the rack, but an issue of Rolling Stone featuring the legendary career of John Lennon was shoved unceremoniously in the back. I'm aware that most of today's 15 and under's probably haven't heard of him, but it still makes me sad to see musical monotiny drowning out truly great artists from England with too much hair and trippy sunglasses.

P.S. The Twilight movie is going to blow chunks.

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

LOL, oh goodness. You sure have an opinion of Kristen don't ya? *note to self, if ever on a talk show make sure to be delightful for Abby* :) Yeah, I got the impression that she's a mumbler even from the previews I have seen of the movie. I think they could have chosen someone WAY better, but who knows?! I haven't seen the movie yet due to bedrest. I'm in stitches waiting for your review of the movie now! :) You are so funny! :)

Abby said...

Damn straight you better be delightful.

Anon, I hate to break it to you, but Crowe was in fact named one of the worst celebrities for fandom. Once reaching the bottom, he turned over a new leaf and then began to treat his fans respectfully. I imagine that's when you and your cohorts encountered him. I didn't vote for him as a jerk, his fans did.

Sure, Kristi, anyone has the right to be a rude jerk, but when you're in the public eye having fans of your work is just one of those things that comes with the territory (well, if you're any good). Sure, everyone would love it if everyone left everyone else alone and all, but it's not gonna happen. It's pretty hard to be a successful actor and have ONLY critics be your fans and no one else. These fans are people who admire their work and pay the big bucks to pay their salaries. Remember when Tom Cruise went nutty as a fruitcake and he got fired from Paramount? Why do you think they did that? Did his being insane make him a different actor all of a sudden? Or was it because of the image he'd made for himself and the ensuing public scorn? (It was the second one.) If your fans don't like you, you're out of a job. You may hate it and wish them all dead, but you have to be nice to them sometimes anyway or you'll wind up starving. Don't like it? Tough.

Benteti5 said...

I beg to differ. For the most part, people, well, people like me anyways, don't care how rude a celebrity is at Starbucks, what couch he goes crazy on or which papparazzi he punches. Getting fired for crap that like is just Hollywood politics. I care about the movie. If it's good, I'll watch it over and over and if it's not I won't. If an actor can act, he has a job. If they are cute and play nice to the stalkarazzi's maybe they have a job without being a good actor.

Abby said...

Meh, I still don't buy it. You should be polite in any job you take--that's what civilized people do. It's the famous folks who think they're good enough that they don't have to be polite. Screw that. You're just as good as the rest of us so you can suck it up and pretend to be nice.

Benteti5 said...

Who said anything about civilized? Is this a civilized country we live in? Pretend to be nice? That's just what I hate. You and I both know that if all of a sudden we had cameras in our face and on our siz 24/7 we could only be polite for so long. In my case my patience would last a good 37 seconds. I don't think that's thinking they're better than the rest of us or being impolite, that's being just like the rest of us and human. It's the Peter Perfect's who put movie stars above the rest and make them role models.

Abby said...

You're confusing the paparazzi with the average fan. Celebrities don't like photographers in their faces, blocking their cars, stalking their homes and hanging out in their bushes. No one does. I'm talking about the average fan who sees a star at a premier or something and asks for an autograph and a photo of them. I don't think most celebrities mind the fans, it's the jerks who get paid for it that they hate. Then there are some stars who just plain hate everyone and those people are idiots.

Benteti5 said...

Maybe. I think life in that lane would just suck. Sure some people are mean, that's universal. I won't not watch a movie because of that, though. I would almost pay not to be famous. I love anonymity. It becomes such a desired possession as soon as you don't have it any more and at that point, you never will. So sad. I can see why famous people get pissy.

Abby said...

Fame and fortune have their downsides. There is no such thing as a perfect life no matter who you are. If you have the big material things like money and fame, that comes with a price, as does poverty and being a nobody. Life sucks for everyone at some point. No one is without trials, right? You're still expected to make the best of your situation regardless of what it is. Being a jerk to every person you meet doesn't seem like you're making the best of your situation.

Benteti5 said...

No. Does anybody like jerks? I was merely saying that I get their behavior, not excuse it. However jerk or not, doesn't impact movie choice, that's my point.
Nobody is a nobody. My Dad used to have a saying in his office that said, "I know I'm somebody cuz God don't make no junk."