01 April 2009

Go Ahead, Call me Ishmael

In case you were curious, I don't do April Fool's crap. Mostly because I'm not 12. Take a lesson, adults.

Geez, all right already! Here are the fat pregnancy photos, as promised. (Actually, I haven't had any complaints that they weren't being posted, but I like to act like my public is constantly clamoring for every stupid detail about my life. They aren't, by the way. Probably because my clamoring public cares less than I do.) I know you think I was trying to get out of it, and honestly I was, but I keep my promises I assure you. That'll learn you to assume the worst about me, even if you totally should.

I took the following photo for you ingrates when I was almost 15 weeks (that being two weeks ago). Note, this is what I looked like after not having gained any weight yet, either. In fact, I had lost weight to the point of concern. Behold:


Now tell me, does that look like 3+ months pregnant to you? I didn't think so.

Oh, have no fear, it gets much, much worse. Stephanie was kind enough to forward the photo she took of me on my last day of being pregnant with Peanut. Sidestory: I went to her house that morning and asked her to take a photo of me pregnant since I didn't have any pregnancy photos for Peanut at all. Turns out it was a good thing I asked her since I left her house to immediately go to a regular OB appointment at the hospital where they insisted on freaking the crap out for various reasons and moving my induction date up to, well, that very second. So I didn't get to leave the hospital for a few days and by then I wasn't pregnant anymore. Anyway.

Here's me at 38+ weeks the last time:


Yeah. Alarming, ain't it? I didn't even stretch the photo to make me look that scary; it's all natural, baby. By the way, that was after having gained less than 20 pounds the whole pregnancy. Oh yes, I'm a modern mircale all right. So this is what I, and many of the rest of you who are forced to look upon me on a regular basis, have to look forward to in the next five months. Huzzah!

OK folks, per the comments that have been coming in I have two things to say. First of all, I know I look pregnant. I never said I looked anything but. The problem is everyone assumes I look further along in this pregnancy than I actually am. So the fact that I look pregnant is not up for debate here. Personally, I don't think I look AWFUL right now, but I think I look a little large for 17 weeks. But I've been through a couple of pregnancies before this, too. So whatever.

And secondly, everyone keeps asking who is accusing me of being so huge as if I'm going to name names or something. I usually don't even know these people's names but I do know they're all RAT BASTARDS. End commentary.

18 comments:

Loralee and the gang... said...

You think you looked big? Take a look at today's post on my blog at careysgang.blogspot.com. And I gained 32 lbs, and almost 10 of it baby!
Now that's big!
:~D

Serin said...

LOL I think the only thing that is alarming is the fact that you need a longer shirt in that last photo. ;)

I love pg bellies, thanks for posting them. :)

greta said...

at least you LOOK pregnant. i on the other hand never looked pregnant and when i would tell people "oh, yes i'm 30 weeks pregnant", they would look at me with sympathy for the "crazy" girl who thinks she's pregnant. that last picture looks painful by the way. weren't you dying? just asking...

Loralee and the gang... said...

OK - round two!
I am only 5'2" and the strange this was that my tummy looked like a watermelon torpedoing out of my abdomen! And this picture was almost a month before my due date!
;~D

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

I don't think you look big. Who in the world are the crazies telling you you do? Look on my blog at the bottom and you'll see the pic of me the day before I delivered my son. Then we'll talk about huge and miserable! LOL Thankfully I'm smaller with this pregnancy but still big as a house. GOOD LUCK!!

Heidi said...

Take a deep breath, Abby. You just look pregnant, that's all! Just like any of us non-eating disorder gals when we're pg. Fun for me to see though! (I've never yet gotten to see you pregnant!)

Abby said...

Serin, the shirt looks too short because it was never designed to go over such a fricking huge belly. You're seeing how it's hanging out on the bottom, right?

Oh boo hoo, Greta. BOO HOO. Yes it was painful. Very.

All right, all right L, you got me. I'm taller than you. I was only a couple of weeks ahead of you and I still think I was bigger. SO THERE. COME AND GET IT.

Who are the crazies telling me I'm pregnant? Everyone! I live amongst jerks.

Serin said...

Oh yes, I see it hanging out the bottom. My fingers are itching to send you some pictures from my last pregnancy, but I'm refraining. For now.

I still think it's cute

Jody said...

I don't understand why people think you're so far along?!?!? You look great!

it's just lisa said...

ms. abby-

we are no longer friends for a couple reasons that i will keep to myself.

it's just lisa said...

APRIL FOOLS!!! HA! HA!

Abby said...

Uh huh. Hey Lisa, did you catch the tan on that second photo there? And that wasn't even an intentional tan, that was just nature taking its course. An accidental tan if you will. SO THERE.

Bonny said...

What? You're pregnant? Because from the picture I couldn't even tell. :)

it's just lisa said...

rub it in why don't ya

Benteti5 said...

Man, are you have triplets is better than hey, are you pregnant or just getting really fat which is what I get. My belly not so much huge, but my boobs and butt get ginormous.

elesa said...

Mostly I just think it is sad that you don't have a head. Your husband must be pretty bummed.


I can't believe you laughed at my lunch trays!

Stephanie B said...

I saw those pictures and I thought, "Wow, Abby looks really trim!" Must be nice. At least people don't think you look fat - just pregnant. I think I look fat until about 6 months and then my belly pops out.

Abby said...

No, the Husband is pleased to have a wife who can't talk.

But seriously, I am enormously paranoid. If people knew what I looked like, I'd be kidnapped immediately. I am that fabulous.

Thanks for thinking I look trim-pregnant rather than fat-pregnant, Steph. You're a true friend.