05 March 2009

How To Get Away With Murder

A while back I told Lisa that I could totally hide a body because I watch "CSI." It's time to come clean though. I actually watch "CSI," "CSI: Miami," AND "CSI: New York." I'm practically a professional with all this training I've been getting via CBS's weekly lineup! I can't withhold my vast array of crime-related knowledge any longer. And because I know so many of you have been holding out until you've received the proper guidance, I will now give you some tips on how to get away with murder.

1. Selecting your victim:

If there's one thing I've learned from crime shows, it's that the police are always on the trail of serial killers. Serial killers are the "big ticket" criminals that launch careers and make cops famous. Measly one-time killers like you don't. So when you're selecting your victim, be sure and pick someone you know and are close to--in fact the closer the better. Serial killers always choose victims randomly and have no motive, so be sure and have tons and tons of motive to make sure you're not a suspect! If you've threatened to kill someone whilst both of you are in a very public forum, preferably with video cameras rolling, this is the perfect victim for you. They will never suspect you as you're too easy a solution; if there's one thing detectives love, it's a good mystery! You killing your ex-girlfriend after writing about your intentions to do so on your blog for five years and taking out a full-length page in the newspaper is no mystery at all! Guaranteed you're getting off scott-free, friend!

2. Selecting your weapon:

Whatever weapon you choose, be sure and leave it at the crime scene. If you're going to go through the effort of offing someone, at least let the rest of us in on how you did it! Really, it's called common courtesy.

3. Hiding the body:

We all know you gotta hide the body afterwards, right? Be sure and pick a place they'll never think to look. I suggest the city morgue (imagine how confusing it'll be for the cadaver dogs). Sure, that annoying medical examiner is likely to ask you a few personal questions ("Who is this?" and "Why is this person's blood all over your clothes and face?"), but never fear, they're just curious cats! Also, they may ask you to fill out some paperwork while you're there, too, but it has nothing to do with the murder, trust me. It's for demographic purposes only. Why, you'll probably be getting some coupons in the mail within 2-4 weeks, so be sure and stay home so you'll receive these great savings!

4. The Crime Scene:

Let's face it: you're doing this to get attention to some degree, or at least a one-time mention on the nightly news, am I right? Sure I am. But you're going to get no attention at all if they never know anything ever happened. Be sure to select a crime scene that'll get noticed, preferably before the blood dries. We're looking for pizazz, people! So make it some place that people will come across within a very short time, but not so many people that will mess up your crime scene's look. On the front lawn of a busy neighborhood is a good choice. Also, night time is not your friend. Be sure and do this in broad daylight so you can be sure the scene looks the way you want it to before the cops get there. The police will respect you that much more when they've seen what pride you took in your work to get your crime scene looking the way you did.

5. Witnesses:

As people are staring at you committing this murder, be sure and give a smile and wave. Friendly people are never thought of as murderers; these people will only remember your winning good looks and charm instead of the gushing blood. Remember: a smile can fix any problem at all. Everyone loves a smile!

6. Evidence:

As I indicated, be sure and leave the murder weapon at the scene. We're on pins and needles to know how you did it and for sure that pesky medical examiner is never going to guess without a little help from you. Also, remember that crime solving is more of an art than a science, making detectives and CSIs primarily artists. Artists who thrive on flashy designs. So do these artists a favor and leave some fingerprints/palm prints/footprints behind, the more the better. Use the victim's blood if you can, because red really makes the scene pop! You're doing this for the city's finest remember; they're protecting us against criminals, it's the least you can do for them.

7. Bragging Rights:

Everyone loves a person with self-confidence. Those murderers who never say anything are not only cowards, but clearly lack self-esteem. No one likes those people. But you! You're confident in what you do and how you do it. Don't be afraid to share what you've accomplished, why and how you did it, and where the rest of the evidence is stashed. It takes someone with a lot of guts to admit to others when they've committed murder; you want to be in that category of confident people, don't you? Of course you do! Tell everyone you know. They'll probably brag to their friends what an awesome person you are and how privileged they are to even know you! And if that doesn't boost your ego, I don't know what will.

8. The Confession:

On the off chance the police do ask you politely to come to their workplace and write about what you did, use this opportunity to impress them with your vivid and accurate memory! It's hard to remember every darn little detail, what with the blood and the screaming and whatnot. They'll be amazed the more you can remember, evidenced by the copious notes they frantically take while you're talking. You'll be the center of attention for hours and hours! When they finally ask you to write it all down yourself (you can't expect them to keep up with your amazing recounting of events, you genius you) be sure and write legibly. Penmanship really counts for something these days, believe you me.

9. Choosing a Lawyer:

Don't you hate it when someone doesn't have enough faith in you to believe you can do something that you know you can? Doesn't it just chap your hide when you hear someone telling a dozen strangers that you're completely incapable of a crime you yourself know you did? Be sure and stand up and correct that idiot lawyer so these strangers won't go home thinking you're an incapable loser! You left a marvelous crime scene there, Tiger! Don't you let that courtroom forget it!

10. Impressing Your Prisonmates:

Have you ever heard that first impressions are everything? It's absolutely true. These fellow prisoners are going to be your chums for the rest of your life, Sport! Be sure and let them know right off the bat how willing you are to be friends so as to maximize your mutual experience there in the state penitentiary you're all calling home. Who doesn't love to be complimented, right? Everyone loves a compliment. Be sure and spread them around as soon as you come into your new digs, followed by a brisk slap on the back for your new mates. You'll be enjoying your new life in no time!

Disclaimer 1: Don't actually commit murder. It's illegal. And it makes me sad.

Disclaimer 2: I went to the effort of asking the county police if I could post this. They basically said, "Knock yourself out. Can't be half as bad as what's on TV." Score! THE LENGTHS I GO TO FOR YOU PEOPLE.


it's just lisa said...

love it. I can't believe you called the cops! Next post- I want a play by play of that conversation! I can't even imagine what you would have said. Ha ha!

I was feeling so tired and grumpy so I came to your blog and now I know how to get away with murder- just what I needed!

greta said...

the disclaimer 2 made me laugh out loud. to funny. hey, are we going to kathy or what?

greta said...

so i just found your response on my blog. sorry. should i wait to buy tickets so that we can sit together? M wants to do that. he says it will be more fun. so, i'll wait to hear from you when you know for sure. okay, bye.

Heidi said...

I could fulfill all your requirements and then ratchet it up some. If I killed the closest person in the world to me, that would really light a fire under the cops' behinds. Nothing gets to them like killing one of their own.

(Do I need to post my own disclaimer? I really have no intention of killing my husband. I swear.)

Future Mama said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok you crack me the heck up!! I need to save this post! Thanks for the good laugh, you're super!

Bonny said...

I was contemplating contacting you about a future playdate for our kids, but now I've reconsidered. Hope you understand.

(Note, as per your request: I'm kidding.)

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

LOL you are hilarious! thanks for all the hard work you put into this and calling the cops and all to make sure it's cool. :) I also LOVE CSI but I mainly watch the Vegas one. Go figure huh?

elesa said...

Delightful. I think my favorite part was "Penmanship really counts for something these days." I like a murderer who keeps it in perspective!

Jody said...

I loved the disclaimer! You've really been thinking about this a lot! I guess it doesn't count if we'd rather just hire someone and be done with it.

Abby said...

Yeah, originally I had planned on having Stephanie review it first. And then I remembered that she doesn't know anything. So I asked the professionals instead.

Hiring someone to do it?? Now that's just the epitome of lazy!