06 March 2009

An Affair to Remember

I'm always on the lookout for new ideas for posts. Lisa, clearly my favorite person of the week because she told everyone on her blog that I'm funny, asked me to post about the conversation I had with the county police in relation to my previous post (the one about murder; you remember the one).

I hate to burst your rosy bubble, Lisa, but I did not actually speak to the police on the phone. For the rest of you, in case you haven't noticed, or haven't spoken with me in person yet, I'm a complete idiot on the phone. Really. There is no other mode of communication that I succeed with less than that of telephone communication. I come off as extremely mentally handicapped. Fortunately, I know this (there are many like me who are still in denial). What are the odds that a retarded person calling the cops and asking if she can teach people how to commit a felony would be met with approval of any sort? "OH BUT DON'T WORRY COMMISSIONER OR LIEUTENANT OR COMMODORE OR WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLED DOWN THERE, IT'S ALL JUST A JOKE HAHAHAHAH SNORT COUGH GAG CRY." No. I'm stupid, but not that stupid.

So I emailed them instead. And the emails go to a PR guy who is used to dealing with morons, hopefully worse off than myself. We exchanged a few emails while using Very Pretty, Smart Words, never saying what we really meant, but knowing perfectly well what the other one was saying. So to satisfy Lisa's curiosity, I will not just replicate our communication, but moreover I will write what we actually thought, rather than what we actually said. For our purposes, PR Guy will be known by the name Kojak.

Me: Hello, cops! I want to write something on my blog but I don't want to get in trouble for it.

Kojak: You can say you hate us and we suck all you want and we can't stop you. That whole Freedom of Speech deal. Look it up. Ungrateful snot....

Me: I wasn't going to say I hate you and you suck, I swear! I just wanted to teach people how to get away with murder. BUT IT'S A JOKE I SWEAR DON'T ARREST ME.

Kojak: Oh, yeah, that's much better. Listen, criminals get enough good ideas from the plethora of TV shows and movies out there that getting bad ideas from your idiot blog really isn't going to put a dent into our efforts here, trust me. Get over yourself. And stop emailing me, too.

Me: Woohoo! Free ticket from the cops to do whatever I want!

Voila. See? Not the exciting encounter you were hoping for I'm afraid. Why? Because I wasn't stupid enough to talk to them on the phone.

Oh, I know how these things roll. Don't you doubt it.


Heidi said...

You're hilarious! Do you read our minds when we comment on your blog and translate those too?

it's just lisa said...

that was better than I thought. You are a great phone talker Abby! Keep practicing and someday you will be chatting on the phone like the rest of us.

Jody said...

I hope you emailed Kojak a link to your blog so he could give any pointers that you missed--not that I think you missed a thing! I think he'd be very impressed with it.

Abby said...

I think he's thoroughly tired of me emailing him so I'll finally leave him alone. I figure if he really wanted to see it he could use Google.