12 March 2009

And So It Begins....

Yesterday I had someone ask me if I was having twins. Remember, I'm only 14 weeks along. Admittedly, I look about five months at this point, but the twin question? Already? I assured her I was not and then sighed as the inevitable "Wow, you're gonna have one huge baby!" comment followed. Again, I assured her I was not. And then I bored her silent with my standard tedious pregnancy history. I plan to do the same here.

It's difficult to explain my personal physique to other people and why I look unnaturally and monumentally huge compared to everyone else with the same gestational aged baby as myself. For one, I have absolutely no stomach muscles. My body gave up on those about halfway through with Peawhistle. To make matters worse, maternity pants offer no support whatsoever. So what used to be shoved against me with the assistance of the threadbare strength of my Eddie Bauer jeans is now left to hang pathetically in front of me. Mind you, it used to be even worse on Sundays. Given my horrendously long waist and unnaturally midget-like legs, no pantyhose actually stay up past my waist for more than 10 minutes. That is, except for the maternity pantyhose that are designed to ride up far over your belly's expansiveness. So starting at about six weeks pregnant I had to start wearing those suckers, and if there's one thing they're not, it's "control top."

Anyway. So it all hangs out in front. A lot. Mostly because there is absolutely no other place in my torso for the baby to sit, what with that space being occupied mostly by my valuable stores of fat that see me through the long harsh months across the Sahari Desert. So my little satellite lives entirely outside of my body, attached onto it only by a thin layer of skin. With Sputnik in place, it pulls all of the fat and extra skin from all over my body and yanks it out in front of me. So surprisingly, I don't look like I'm pregnant from the back at all. In fact, I look thinner from back there. Even from the front, or even just the waist up I don't look that pregnant. But you catch me on the profile (which isn't hard to do in my condition) and, based entirely upon past experiences, you and your companions will gasp in wide-eyed horror at the sight before you. That's also when you'll unpolitely ask just how much weight I've gained in my obviously 90-week pregnancy.

For the record, I haven't gained a pound since even before I got pregnant. No, I'm not kidding. But look at my gut. Go ahead; I dare you. See if you believe me. Of course you don't. Because I'm having twins. Huge, fricking twins.

In other happy news, both Jody and Lisa have delivered delicious cookies to me within the past two days (where were these people in December?). Because if there's one thing I'm not, it's fat enough. Thanks again!

11 comments:

it's just lisa said...

ah- I love to be the first to comment. I leave your blog up 24 hours a day, and check it every chance I get... don't tell Jason.

Just for the record- you could not pass for 5 months yet and the twin/huge baby lady was probably on something.

I am sorry you are prego- cause it's no fun to barf daily. But I'm happy you are having a baby, cause I think the baby is lucky to have you as it's mom.

Serin said...

I'd love to look at your belly... why don't you post a picture? I think I'd be tempted to tell people I was having twins just to shut them up (and then deny it later).

greta said...

the next time someone asks you if you are having twins you should reply with:
no i'm not having twins, my baby has a rare physical disorder. have you heard of the elephant man?
or
yes, i'm having twins but one has taken over and is consuming all the food that both of them are getting. he will soon consume his twin as well.

maybe that will shut them up.

**i take no responsibility if this offends someone. i'm also sorry if either of these things have happened to someone you know.

Heidi said...

That sounds so familiar! I think I got the twins comment from about 8 weeks on. Maybe your weight gain will be like mine too (just not the bed rest/drugs part.)

Bonny said...

Okay, I'm sorry, but you do NOT look like you're having twins. You are not even that big, which is why I was doubtful about the fact that you were even pregnant. People always ask me about the twin question too. This rudeness is why I refrain to ask anyone if they're pregnant unless it's painfully obvious. And you, my dear, do not have the monstrous abdomen you're claiming to. So there.

Abby said...

Just for that I'm posting pictures!!!

Stephanie B said...

Heck, if you haven't gained a pound than it would seem you could eat all the cookies you want!! Greta - I love your comments. Abby, think you should use one of those lines. I triple-dog-dare-you. Ha, now you HAVE to do it.

Abby said...

I'm just going to tell people that I'm trying to beat Octomom's record. In one pregnancy. "And I'm only two weeks pregnant!"

Jody said...

What kind of delusion is this???? You do not look five months along, nor do you look like you're having twins! But I do think it would be funny to have some absurd response. That would put any crazy people with crazy delusions in their place.

Ryann said...

You crack me up. I loved being huge and pregnant and wore it as a badge of honor. I would have been thrilled if someone had thought I was carrying twins!

But I do need to say that I saw you very late in Peanut's pregnancy and I thought you looked great. And not pregnant with twins! I would even go so far as saying that you glowed!

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

Don't you just love people that have NO tact?! Do people seriously think it's a good idea to ask women if they are having twins?! People are seriously idiots! I get asked the same thing and I'm like "NO I am NOT having twins...I'm overweight and pregnant so shut your yap!":)