ABBY'S ROCKIN' RESUME
PROCEED WITH AWESOMENESS
Abby is the greatest person you'll ever meet, let alone employee. Here's why she's so mind-blowingly superb:
* I can type 470 wpm (less without mistakes--or using words you'd recognize)
* I have professional experience yelling at children, adults, objects, and random passers-by.
* I excell at stalking those I love, hate, don't even know, and anyone else. Especially you.
* Given the opportunity, I can tan beyond normal physical comprehension.
* I enjoy eating cheese.
* I think mild swearing is hilarious.
* I avoid hanging out with my "friends," so I won't have to get dressed.
* Birds avoid me.
* I'm terrified of pennies. And wet lettuce.
* I was self-elected president of the Abbys Only Club in 5th grade.
* I personally supply my entire neighborhood's pharmaceudicals.
* I totally kicked Mickey Mouse in the head at Disneyland.
* I am not permitted on Walt Disney Co. property, nor are my future descendents.
* I am obsessively lazy.
* I can file paperwork alphabetically, or using the less-traditional letters-I-think-they-should-start-with-instead method.
* I think I have several undiagnosed mental illnesses.
* I have been arrested twice for selling narcotics to children and small animals, but I wasn't convicted so it doesn't count.
* I am phone-tapping the FBI without a warrant.
* I believe the gastrointestinal tract is holy, and thus can only be filled with Hostess Snowballs and Hawaiian Punch.
* I can do your taxes for you. I can also hide a body for you.
* I sleep with a Jack-in-the-Box toy. His name is Hunny.
Future employer, I am everything you've been looking for, even if you don't realize it yet. Hire me! Shoot, I'll even work for free! If I can live with you and use your toiletries and eat directly from your pantry! I'll even pat your various pets if you can get them to hold still long enough and not scratch my eyes out like I'm imagining they will! I will rock your world, employer! NOW HIRE ME AND GIVE ME AWESOME BENEFITS OR I WILL SO TOTALLY SLASH YOUR TIRES.