18 February 2009


I occasionally peruse a website called "Not Hired." It's a website where people can send various cover letters and resumes they've received or otherwise run across that simply boggle the mind; there are actually people like that out there? Who tell the truth on their resumes? The wrong kinda truth? Oh, my. I won't link to the website directly in order to save my viewers' virgin eyes from the bawdy language that is sometimes included in these resumes (only one of the many reasons these people were not asked for an interview I imagine). But gosh, it is funny. And then I got to thinking: I haven't written a resume in ages. What if I needed a job tomorrow? Holy crap, we'll all be in the poor house! I better get crackin' on that list of what makes me a winner!


Abby is the greatest person you'll ever meet, let alone employee. Here's why she's so mind-blowingly superb:

* I can type 470 wpm (less without mistakes--or using words you'd recognize)

* I have professional experience yelling at children, adults, objects, and random passers-by.

* I excell at stalking those I love, hate, don't even know, and anyone else. Especially you.

* Given the opportunity, I can tan beyond normal physical comprehension.

* I enjoy eating cheese.

* I think mild swearing is hilarious.

* I avoid hanging out with my "friends," so I won't have to get dressed.

* Birds avoid me.

* I'm terrified of pennies. And wet lettuce.

* I was self-elected president of the Abbys Only Club in 5th grade.

* I personally supply my entire neighborhood's pharmaceudicals.

* I totally kicked Mickey Mouse in the head at Disneyland.

* I am not permitted on Walt Disney Co. property, nor are my future descendents.

* I am obsessively lazy.

* I can file paperwork alphabetically, or using the less-traditional letters-I-think-they-should-start-with-instead method.

* I think I have several undiagnosed mental illnesses.

* I have been arrested twice for selling narcotics to children and small animals, but I wasn't convicted so it doesn't count.

* I am phone-tapping the FBI without a warrant.

* I believe the gastrointestinal tract is holy, and thus can only be filled with Hostess Snowballs and Hawaiian Punch.

* I can do your taxes for you. I can also hide a body for you.

* I sleep with a Jack-in-the-Box toy. His name is Hunny.

Future employer, I am everything you've been looking for, even if you don't realize it yet. Hire me! Shoot, I'll even work for free! If I can live with you and use your toiletries and eat directly from your pantry! I'll even pat your various pets if you can get them to hold still long enough and not scratch my eyes out like I'm imagining they will! I will rock your world, employer! NOW HIRE ME AND GIVE ME AWESOME BENEFITS OR I WILL SO TOTALLY SLASH YOUR TIRES.
Love Forever,


Holly said...

I would totally hire you!

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

You're hired! LOL

Ryann said...

You find the most random websites. I loved the resume-I'll pass it on to anyone I know who's hiring. It'd be a great referral!

Janie said...

Love it!!

I love mild swearing too - I don't know why I guess I just walk a little on the wild side - damn that iron rod

You are awesome by the way I so would hire you so you could just make me laugh on demand

it's just lisa said...

Yeah- last time I ended my resume with a threat I totally got the job. Your family is in good hands.

I'm trying to imagine you with a sweet tan... it's not coming.

Ps: Mild swearing in NAUGHTY and I'm telling your mom and Janie's mom too.

Bonny said...

Is the Disney account on your blog? Because I'm dying to know what happened there. Okay, I'm going to check your posts to see if I can find it.

Heidi said...

You should have told me all this before that guy tracked me down in NY to check your references! I could have given you a glowing report!

Abby said...

You people are such suckers. I love every one of you. No, Bonny, I never actually kicked Mickey in the head, although that would have made for an awesome story, wouldn't it? Did you also believe I sold drugs to animals?

A few of those things on there are true though. And believe it or not Lisa, the tanning one is. I once had a friend tell me I was the darkest white person he'd ever seen in his life. When I was a kid and swam at the pool I'd get stares and comments from strangers, pointing, saying, "OMG, look at the tan on that little girl...." I worked at a pool for a summer (that's where I got my yelling at people experience) and the tan lasted for two years. I totally rock like that. But alas, I don't like being outside in the sun so I don't give myself very many opportunities to accomplish my one true talent.

Abby said...

Sooo...you're saying you didn't give me a glowing report?

Jody said...

Knowing how you feel about the sun and swimming pool, I'm really having a hard time believing this whole tan thing. But everything else sounds so true that I won't doubt the tan. Maybe you can prove it this summer!

Abby said...

Not very likely. Given how much neither of my children like water/the pool, I seriously doubt I'll be seeing much of it this summer. That is, even if I wanted to. But I assure you, it is true. So there.

it's just lisa said...

Too funny Abby. Poor Bonny really thought you kicked Mickey huh? I bet she never asks you to babysit her kids... am I right? And why did Jody say everything else sounds true? What about:
* I personally supply my entire neighborhood's pharmaceudicals

or * I can hide a body for you.

There are sides of you I am just scared to learn about.

Abby said...

I don't think she actually thought I did kicked him. She was just trying out the sarcasm she only uses on me, apparently. No, no, I deserve it. THAT'S FINE.

Yeah, I guess the rest really sounds like me, particularly the mental illnesses (plural, mind you) part. Thanks, Jody. But seriously, I could totally hide a body. I watch CSI.

greta said...


i my DREAMS you are my best friend and you will ALWAYS be my best friend in theory since i'm also way to lazy to work on friendships...

you and i also would have been awesome friends in high school....

and in college....

and when we are old...(when are husbands are dead--totally from old age...)

am i scaring you now?

Heidi said...

Well, Abby, the guy asked me if you were a part of any underground treasonous socities and so there went the glowing report. I'd already tried explaining that you were splendid at Star Wars quotes but he didn't quite believe me.

Abby said...

It'll take a lot more than "I wish we were friends" to scare me, lady. Sheesh, I've said worse to total strangers. Waaaaaaaaay worse. And I would love to be bestest friends with you, except you're military so you're going to ditch me soon the same way Stephanie is. So screw you both.

Bonny said...

Oops, I actually wasn't trying to be sarcastic in my comment. Some of that stuff on your list was totally believable--maybe not the pharmaceudical part, but some of it. I found it totally believable that you had some altercation at a Disney theme park. Maybe not kicking Mickey in the head, but some amusing violent anecdote. I actually searched through a few past posts to try and find an allusion to said event. My brother recently told me that, if asked to give the eulogy at my funeral someday, he would say, "My sister: pretty slow on the uptake, but she had a good heart."

Abby said...

*Sigh* This is why I can never tell when you're joking or not, because your sarcasm and your complete honestly come across as the exact same thing. So from now on you are only allowed to post sarcastic comments if you actually inform me that you're being sarcastic up front. That way I'll know how to properly mock your comments right from the start.

Bonny said...

Fair enough. :)

elesa said...

today I felt like reading some of your older posts, and so here I get to the first one I haven't read and Ta da! it is awesome! Especially that eating cheese and liking it should be considered a marketable skill. I have lots of skills like that. I think it's time I started getting recognized for it.