27 July 2009

I Regret to Inform You....



Regrets. I've got 'em. The first regret I have is that I've apparently been lacking in my entertain-the-masses duties, according to all of two people. I haven't posted much of anything this month, and not because I've been having an amazing, exciting summer, but exactly the opposite. Every day is much like the others, so there's nothing new to report other than I'm alive. And you can just go ahead and assume that anyway, barring any large news stories contrary to that assumption. (Reminds me of what my dad always says when we wish him a safe flight home: "If I don't, you'll hear about it on the news!") So really, you haven't been missing much. But apparently I have. Hence the lack of writing.

Regret #2: that I'm not in the hospital at this point. I was telling Lovely Lisa the other day that I feel genuinely awful that I'm not at least on bed rest by now, and hospitalized at the most. I've been threatening/been threatened with horrible news this entire pregnancy, only to have it pan out that I'm still merrily chugging along at nearly 34 weeks. This is not to say there are no more concerns, but so far none of them have forced me into desperate circumstances. Or at least none beyond guilting my loving friends into helping me out when apparently there was no need to help me at all. I can only blame one set of people for this paradox: My Loving Friends. Yes YOU all are to blame for this and let me tell you why. You have all admitted to sending good thoughts and prayers in my direction for months. How many times have you been warned to be careful what you pray for, huh?!? God is listening! What, do you think this is some kind of joke or something?? My goodness folks, if you expect me to wind up medically incapacited at some point it would really help if you didn't pray for the opposite effect. And on top of that, you actually volunteered to take my irritating child when I asked you to, which has significantly lowered my blood pressures all around! So on top of praying to the one person who can actually perform miracles in this department, you also did all you could to help me physically. I just don't know what to say to that except that my still being in tact and running on full steam here is all your doing. I just hope you're all sufficiently happy now.

And finally, regret #3: not speaking to my son directly since the day he was born. Supposedly speaking to him results in his speaking back to me or some such voodoo like that. But since I don't talk to anyone on earth if I don't have to, let alone my adorably annoying children, my kids don't hear "words and phrases" or "communication in any form." This has led to Peanut's inability to speak on command. At 21 months he should be saying at the very least six words, and by two years should be speaking in two-word phrases. Pfffttttppppphahahahahaha! Oh my, but he is no where close to that. Now, PW wasn't a quick, early talker herself (again with the not talking to her either), but extended family came through and talked to her instead and now you couldn't pay her to shut up (I know this for a fact from sorry experience). Peanut has not had the travelling advantages that PW had early in her life and he is paying for it now. So today he has a hearing test to make sure he's hearing us correctly, which I'm assuming he is, and tomorrow he's being evaluated by speech therapists to make sure he doesn't require professional intervention (which I'm guessing they'll say he does, regardless of whether or not he actually does require it because that's simply what they do). His pediatrician, Dr. Smart-alec, isn't overly concerned as he himself didn't say a word until he was three and he seems to speak OK now and all, but ever since the incident he and his overwhelming guilt will never allow him to take things in stride with Peanut ever again. Hey, whatever does the trick.

And FINALLY finally, Regret the Fourth is admitting to you jerks on facebook that I have occasional bouts of stupidity in my head that I typically keep to myself as a form of natural deception in an attempt to convince you I'm a genius. I regret this because according to two of you bastards, I'm not good at keeping those thoughts to myself at all. In fact, according to one of you, that's exactly what my blog is for. My blog (this one right here) is full of nothing but idiotic ramblings having no purpose here on earth except to expose my vast lack of intelligence on any scale. Did I mention I hold grudges? And that I gave you ample opportunities to take back what you suggested, which neither of you cared to do? I just thought I should remind you two of that. Every single time I speak to you from now on. You know, because we're friends and all.

10 comments:

Ryann said...

Good to have you back Abby:)

it's just lisa said...

ah man! it's just too bad you are not on bed rest yet.

Let us know how peanut's tests go.

Bonny said...

I'm happy I'm in the first category of friends, the ones who send good vibes your way and babysit PW, and not the second set that you're obviously full of loathing for--those two that commented on the purpose of your blog. So glad you're still healthy during this pregnancy, and hope everything is okay with Peanut. Grayson said pretty much nothing before he turned 2 (and only started talking when my sister-in-law whipped out some Mr. Potato Head dolls and started teaching him how to say "eyes, nose" etc.) And even then he wasn't saying much until 2 1/2.

greta said...

i concur with ryann.

Heidi said...

I don't know if I'm in the 2nd category or not because I frequently make asinine comments on Facebook that get me into trouble with my friends. So if that's the case here is my official apology for anything I have said, do say, or may yet say in the future. Sorry!!

As for your regret with Peanut, at least you are getting evaluated. Unlike me, being the pathetic excuse for a parent that I am, was told by two peditricians to get Jared's speech (or lack thereof) evaluated, and I kept procrastinating about it. So now he's six years old and going into school and still people can't always understand him. But, hey, it's getting way better even without the help, so Peanut probably will be another chatterbox just like PW in time.

Heidi said...

Hmmm, that would be that you are getting Peanut evaluated, not yourself. (And I refuse to make any smart alecky about that, because I just apologized after all.)

Abby said...

No Heidi, you are definitely not in that category. I left a wall post specifically about my asinine thoughts and they responded, agreeing with me completely about the asinine part, and disagreed completely about successfully keeping said thoughts to myself. You didn't partake in that conversation.

FYI: the two guilty parties? Also the same two guilty parties who supposedly read my blog but almost never or absolutely never in one case, comment. COINCIDENCE?? I DON'T THINK SO.

Oh, and Peanut's hearing test went very well today. He was most cooperative and falls within normal hearing ranges (although he does have extra pressure being exerted on his ear drums--essentially being sucked inside his ears a bit--but not enough to affect his hearing in any way).

Misty D. said...

I commented. Hooray! Hooray for this!

Also, look for a reposting of your child's brilliance soon at my blog.

Okay, love you, bye!

greta said...

uh, your welcome! or wait...uh, i'm sorry? geez, abby you're confusing me again. at least your not on bedrest?

good luck with peanut. i know how much tests suck. adam has spent far to much of his young life doing testing.... he'll talk, eventually. i find i don't understand when doctors are all concerned about that. i mean really what's so wrong with that? do these DOCTORS have children at home talking all the time. if so, i don't think they would be pushing for this talking talking talking nonsense....

elesa said...

Yeah, no one ever tells you that you should actually TALK to your kids. What? Like I should know that?