26 January 2010

It's the Little Things

I've been talking about this recently with friends and I decided I simply had to share it here. One of my favorite things in the world to do is yell at children. I am not kidding. It actually puts a smile on my face. I'm smiling just thinking about all the kids I've gotten to yell at within the past week. Does this make me a bad person? What are the odds I care?

Let me be more specific: I enjoy yelling at older children. I don't yell at young children. For one, it doesn't phase them, and when it does, all they do is bawl. And then I feel bad, which is the opposite personal reaction I'm going for. After all, the goal is to brighten MY day. I honestly am quite nice to the little ones (unless they're related to me, in which case all bets are off). I even politely and sweetly ask them to be kind to each other so Jesus will be happy and we can all feel happy warm thoughts and blah blah blah. See? I'm nice to little kids.

But older kids? The ones who know better? The ones WHO HAVE IT COMING? The ones I never liked even when I WAS a kid? Oh my goodness, there is nothing in this beautiful world that gives me greater joy than to point out, VERY LOUDLY that they DO know better and they TOTALLY have it coming.

Take church for example. You'd think with the bishopric and God and everyone staring at me that I would not take joy in yelling at the older kids. Oh, but you'd be wrong. Lisa wasn't in church this week. For some reason she makes me feel guilty for yelling at them. That's why I wait until she's gone. I always have to do it lots to make up for all the times she is there, so the Senior Primary got several heapin' helpins of my Very Loud Voice this past Sunday. I know you don't believe me, but I am still absolutely giddy thinking about it. I have so few true not-so-guilty pleasures in this life that I revel in them when I can get a hold of them.

Did I ever tell you about the best job I ever had? While I was pregnant with Peawhistle I had a job at our apartment complex's swimming pool as a Pool Chick. I tested the water, I checked pool passes, I cleaned the bathrooms, I cleaned the pool each morning. All OK tasks. But the thing that made it all worthwhile? You guessed it. Yelling at all the children. And boy, was I given many an opportunity to do so. Shoot, I even got to yell at ADULTS! A rare treat indeed! Now those jerks REALLY should have known better! I gave those individuals a taste of swearing thrown in to show my disdain for their stupidity. But yelling at the kids was the best part. And better yet, I got to yell at them with their parents right there! Can you even imagine my utter bliss?? It's like getting to yell at kids AND their parents at the same time! I defy you to name a better job than that!

So Lisa, thank you for missing church this week. I missed your funny self indeed, but with you gone I was allowed to engage in my favorite past time. And to Greta's husband, many thanks to you for giving me an excuse to yell at the not-so-little tots. BEST SUNDAY EVER.

16 comments:

Ryann said...

I love it! Maybe I should give it a try. There are plenty of British hoodlums out here who surely have it coming!

Shoebox Princess said...

HAHA! Can you come to our church? And possibly to the addresses of a few of my children's friends and acquaintances? I can yell at my own children (and do frequently. They are all older than 10, so they are worth yelling at) but not other's kids.

I shouted at my husband this morning! I got to tell him to SHUT UP AND GET OUT! I knew it would be cathartic for both of us (we had a long talk on the phone after he left) and now hopefully he'll listen (but probably not) when I have a problem and he'll refrain from telling me how wrong I am when I come to him with a problem. It felt good to yell at him even though I was bawling hard enough to give me a headache for the rest of the day.

Abby said...

Huh. Maybe that's why I love yelling so much. The louder I get the happier I get, too. Maybe it's a great stress reliever. I suggest we all find people to go yell at and do it profusely.

greta said...

it must be other peoples kids since i've been yelling at my kids all day long and for some reason it hasn't made me feel better. no, in fact it's made me want to shoot myself. sigh. where are some neighborhood kids when you need them?

it's just lisa said...

I don't know what to say. Maybe I should start with "You're Welcome. I'm glad that my kids had runny noses and hives so that I could stay home with them so that you could yell at those sweet older Primary Children who so often make my lip twitch and sometimes make me cry."

I can only imagine what went on.

I kept asking Jason how Primary went because I truly was sad that I couldn't go. He kept saying that it was great... went really well... and then finally he said "Abby kept the older kids in line for Matt" I knew what that meant and I had to laugh.

Abby said...

No, I hate yelling at my own kids, too. It's the thrill of yelling at other people's kids and getting away with it that adds to the delight. Try it. You totally should have yelled at those jerks for using your desk as a skate ramp. It would have made you feel better.

Abby said...

I'm glad Jason got the message across, Lisa. Thanks again for ditching church. I haven't had that much fun in weeks! I do hope your kids are feeling better soon, though.

Bonny said...

I haven't been in Primary in years, so I feel honored to have been in there the one week you were able to show off your disciplining skills. I probably should have had you in there during my lesson, too, because I had very little control over the class.

Abby said...

It has very little to do with discipline and more to do with just making my day.

Stephanie B said...

That is awesome. I would have loved to witness that. I would think your evil stare from the piano would be enough.

Abby said...

Sadly, I'm at the back of the room where they can't see my evil stare. Only hear my melodious holler.

Adhis said...

You are so... odd.

Heidi said...

My neighborhood desperately needs your help. Unfortunately, I do not ever yell at other people's children. Not yet, anyway. But man, these kids may yet drive me to it. Enough with the vandalism and turning every corner into a smoke shop!!!

Benteti5 said...

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or straight up. I don't necessarily enjoy yelling at people, ever. I hate yellers and loud noises. I do like to embarrass a kid or two that thinks he is all that and need to learn to take a joke and relax. I've been know to shout out the window that so and so farted as we drive down the street or sing really loud in Walmart just to embarrass my kids. Embarrassing is far more pleasing to the soul that yelling. Try it.

elesa said...

I have always felt bad for life guards. All they get to do is sit in the hot sun in their swimming suits NOT in the water, and yell at people for no good reason. Every time they yelled at me for running, hitting people and breaking beer bottles on the concrete, I just thought "Poor, poor, life guard. Has the crappiest job around."

But NOW I realize that they probably love it. They got into life guarding specifically because they enjoy yelling so much. Good yelling jobs are hard to find, so next time they are yelling their heads off at me for throwing rocks in the pool, I'm just going to be happy for them and their dream job, and glad I could give them one more reason to yell.

Abby said...

Elesa, dear, dear lady. You do indeed understand. I'm proud to stalk you.