21 December 2010

The Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

For months I've been wondering how I would get back into the swing of blogging things, considering I haven't blogged about anything substantial in, oh, half a year, depending on your definition of "substantial."  And as each month passes the more likely I am to put off the whole blogging thing because the more happens to me and the more I then have to write about.  Bonny, the ever helpful advisor, suggested I forget everything that's happened to me in the last six months--feign a coma if you will--and start afresh.  I may be lazy in some things, and by "some" I mean "almost all," but I cannot permit myself to do that.  What, deprive my vast reading public from reliving the minutiae of my days, allowing them to sadly shake their heads, and possibly, if I've done my job, fall on their knees and thank heaven above they're not me?  It ain't me, man.  

First off, apologies all around.  I just TODAY finally finished reading all of the blog posts that have been stacking up in my Google Reader since August.  Yeah.  over 500 posts at one point.  I'm sorry I haven't commented on, well, almost any of them, but I can at least now say I've read them all.  Whew.  Also, I've received several, SEVERAL inquiries into the status of my existence here on earth, mostly in the form of "OH MY GOSH DID YOU DIE??" followed thereafter by queries regarding my health, mental stability, and workload.  When none of my answers satisfy their curiosity as to why I quit writing, they berate/plead with/threaten me.  Yeah.  Like that's ever worked. 

Which brings us to our next point.  It is FOUR days until Christmas!  And you'll never guess what I don't have enough of!  FRICKING FLIPPIN SUGAR COOKIES.  Now, I've also been asked why the annual pleas/threats regarding Christmas cookies is so late in coming this year.  Well, I'll tell you.  For reasons beyond my understanding friends actually started bringing me cookies without the threats.  I know, right?  It blew me away, too.  So I've been munching on those.  However, my cookie numbers are waning and my mood is darkening.  I suggested to dear, sweet Jody that I might threaten to put my blog on hold until said cookies were forthcoming, but she pointed out that it's been on hold for six months as it is so it's not really much of a threat now, is it?  College-educated, that one.  

So here I am, pleading and threatening, but mostly threatening, that unless I start seeing some damn sugar cookies on my doorstep before Christmas is over, this blog will be nothing but cheap clip-art accompanied by a dull and witless description of it.  OH YES I WILL.  That, or the cat again, but honestly the cat threat didn't work as well last year.   Odd.  So clip-art it is.

Oh, hey, so I had a dream the other night that our next-door neighbors decided to build an outdoor amphitheater in their backyard, complete with roller-coaster.  The husband asked, "Are we even zoned for that here?" while I asked, "And why are they concentrating on this project when there's a fricking zombie apocalypse going on here?  We could all be eaten!  While on the roller-coaster!"  Yet, it didn't stop us from taking a tour just the same.  And then we turned into zombies.  THE END.



Ryann said...

I have been wondering what has been going on in your ever interesting life. Good to see that it is normal and yes, cookie season again! Maybe next year, I could be a good friend and bring you some as we will actually not be an ocean apart!

Bonny said...

Dear Abby,

WOW, a cleverly written and funny blog post WITH a shout-out. What could be better? Even if you DID only give me a shout-out to say my advice was bad, and yet somehow Jody gets credit for being college-educated. I'll overlook it this time.

Do they have to be sugar cookies? Because honestly I don't make those. Would something else be okay (as long as I avoid peanuts/peanut butter)?

Your muffins were SO delicious. The kids and I ate almost the whole bag that morning.

Just yesterday my sister was looking at your Christmas card on my fridge and said, "When did Abby have another baby?" I informed her that Sweet Pea was over a year old, and she said, "Well, she doesn't blog anymore so I guess I don't know these things." So, it's not just your health and well-being that have been questioned, but the very existence of your offspring as well. So thanks for coming back.

Your devoted reader

Jody said...

I think you have done a great job at conditioning us, your followers. I now equate Thanksgiving with must-bring-Abby-sugar-cookies-STAT, even if they come from the store rather than my own kitchen (and yes, we know it's better that way).

Heidi said...

I'm sorry but I don't provide zombies with sugar cookies. It's for my own protection, you know.

(Besides, I did attempt some sugar cookies yesterday and they were a gooey collection of failures. Oh well. They would be even less appetizing by the time they made it to your house!)

Janie said...

I suck at making sugar cookies, and I hate the post office - can we still be friends

it's just lisa said...

oh, abby... my life is much better now that you are back to blogging :)

i miss seeing you in primary... it's good for my soul that you blog... do you understand?

Leslie Green said...


The Hummer post isn't at the top anymore! What was once A Little Too Cute has become A Little Stale-ish, so hooray, you're back!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

greta said...

wait, are you serious? THIS is the post that you decide to write after an absence for half a year? REALLY? damn sugar cookies indeed!

by the way, were you trying to hint to me today on the phone when you stated that you finally wrote a blog post? hint hint, sugar cookies! :)

Abby said...

Ryann, I will hold you to that, regardless of the fact that you did not actually promise to do anything. I'm still pretending you did.

Bonny, everyone knows you're college-educated and smarter than us all, so I wouldn't worry your enormous brain about it. But if it makes you feel any better, I didn't say your advice was bad, just that I chose not to follow it for reasons you could not have known. You're still a good advisor. IF YOU BRING ME COOKIES ANYWAY. Yes, any cookies from you are acceptable, as long as you don't try to kill my son. Also, your dearest sister chooses to ignore me no matter what, so that's not my problem. You tell her that.

Jody, Heidi, and Janie: EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES.

Lisa, I miss you too. I'd miss you less if you hadn't abandoned me. Now whose fault is that??

Leslie, Merry Christmas back! And congrats on the new house! If only I had a plate of housewarming cookies to share....

Greta: you know me too well. :)

Gwennifer said...

False. I studiously DON'T ignore you. You haven't been blogging, so I haven't the foggiest idea wwhether you're alive or dead.

Abby said...

Oh really? I haven't blogged in six months, but I've had a third kid for 16. And on top of that, I blogged about being pregnant with said third kid for at least six months before that. So that makes a total of 22 months of you ignoring my prolific blogging. APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY. WITH COOKIES.

elesa said...

you are still my favorite. And I had a dream the other night that the dad from Family Ties was opening a rodeo, and he got all nervous opening night and I went and gave him the pep talk of his life. Turns out I am really good at those.

VC said...

Fred and Ethel said: Holy Freaking Cow we gave you 3 dozen LARGE sugar cookies in mid December just to avoid this sort of post. You wrote this on the 21st. Is this blog just a hazy production resulting from a nasty sugar crash?

Abby said...

VC, did you read this part? "For reasons beyond my understanding friends actually started bringing me cookies without the threats. I know, right? It blew me away, too. So I've been munching on those. However, my cookie numbers are waning and my mood is darkening." Your dear family was included in that "friends" group I was talking about there. :P

VC said...

Fred and Ethel said: Yeah, we read that part we were just dismayed about the part that said "my cookie numbers are waning and my mood is darkening." The point was we doubled the amount we gave you last year to make sure nothing would be darkened until Groundhog's Day. We are going to make you a sugar cookie patch next year to slowly release the sugar cookie goodness into your system for a solid 10 weeks.

Misty D. said...

Remember when you loved us all enough to post at your blog? Yeah, me too.

Enough of your excuses! I need something funny to read on the Internet! Please start ignoring your kids and husband and post here again. Please?