27 June 2009

"Dear Abby"'s Most Helpful Advice

We're doing a quite bit around here to prepare for Baby #3. One thing that appears to be essential is finding sleeping arrangements for this young thing (supposedly dresser drawers are no longer kosher or something; whatever). I belong to a parenting group out here and we have a fancy mailing list and everything. One day a mother in the group was selling quite a bit of her baby stuff for very cheap and I noted a mini-pack-n-play for $25. Hardly ever been used and exactly what I'd been looking for. How great is that? So she drove it over and we made the exchange. At the time she asked how far along I was and when I told her she very wonderfully exclaimed, "Why, I'd never guess you were that far along! You look great!" I felt fabulous. Right until I remembered that she had likely already read about my rant regarding such things in the parenting newsletter I write for. Yes, My Neighbor Melissa Who Lives Three Doors Down From Me asked me to write a humor article for the parenting newsletter each month. I'm sure she's regretting that decision now, but there's also little she can do about it without hurt feelings ensuing (mostly hers, like when I set her car on fire out of spite).

Looking for something to write about on my blog today and not actually wanting to write it, allow me to reproduce that month's article here, won't you? Yes, I am that lazy. Take it or leave it.


Q: Dear Abby,

I’m 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My husband has shown less and less interest in me physically over this pregnancy as my girth has gradually increased and I worry that he won’t ever be attracted to me again, even after the baby’s born. Do you think he’ll ever think I’m attractive?


A: Dear Heartsick,

Well, that kinda depends on if you were attractive before. If you weren’t, then there’s probably not a lot of hope for you now. Good luck, Gigantor!

Hey, that totally reminds me of a story! I was six months along with my first pregnancy when my husband and I flew out to spend Christmas with my family. None of them had seen me pregnant so I was a bit nervous. I’m the baby of the family and the only girl to boot, so I didn’t know how my family, particularly my parents who still treat me like I’m five, would take to seeing me very pregnant and, you know, adult-ish. When I got a moment alone with my folks I decided to satisfy my curiosity and simply ask if they thought it was strange to see me pregnant. And my ever-helpful mother immediately replied, “Oh honey, you’re supposed to look puffy.”

OK, 1.) Thanks a lot, Mom,

I’m working on my third pregnancy right now and am recently into my second trimester. You would have thought that my mother would be used to seeing just how huge I can get during a pregnancy, despite my never gaining more than 23 pounds total per ordeal thankyouverymuch. And yet, last week I caught my mother telling complete strangers (to her AND me I might add) over the phone that I am most likely having twins. Mind you, I’m not. When I corrected her she said,

“Are you sure? They have sonograms now that can tell you these things.”
“YES Mom, I’m sure. I’ve had three sonograms so far and they’ve each said there’s just one baby in there.”
“Perhaps you should check again. Sometimes those things can be wrong.”

SIGH. I’m getting to the point in my pregnancy when I’m becoming quite insane, belligerent (more than usual I mean) and rude (actually, that’s about the same). I swear that the next time someone asks if I’m overdue or just expecting multiples, I’m going to take that person’s fist and shove it down their throat. So, you know, don’t ask that. ‘Cause I don’t want to have to give birth in prison.


FYI, Melissa's husband (who had read this article previously) asked me recently if I was having twins. Because he's that VERY FUNNY KIND OF PERSON. I'M WATCHING YOU, PAL. AND YOUR CAR.


Bonny said...

Now I wish I was in the mom's club just so I could read your monthly rant.

Jody said...

Us non-Mom's Club people are really missing out. You should post your column more often!

greta said...

too funny. i'm glad someone understands my kind of humor....
thanks for going with us thursday. i had a great time. although, watching her on the jumbo tron was just like watching her at home only having paid $130....

elesa said...

"Good Luck, Gigantor". Oh,I just love it. I seriously think I am going to put it on a t-shirt. It is the perfect response in almost any situation!

Abby said...

Originally the Gigantor line wasn't in it, but Stephanie's Very Funny Sister Kim said it needed one more insulting line to make it perfect. So you can thank her for that.

it's just lisa said...

ha. ha. that's so funny, when I saw you last I thought to myself "she must be having twins"... sike.

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

ok it's been far too long since I have checked blogs! You are SO hilarious. I got the multiples question daily when I was pregnant with my 1st baby and with the 2nd one I never got it once. Either people decided I looked just cranky enough to punch them for asking or I didn't look as big...I'm banking on the 1st option. LOL You're awesome! I think I'm gonna do what elesa said and put "Good luck, Gigantor" on a shirt too! LOL