12 August 2008

My Own Personal Edwards

I apologize for my brief hiatuses. For those that don't know me well, it should prove interesting to know that I talk on my blog precisely as frequently as I talk in reality. I'm still unsure how I have friends at all since I rarely, if ever, speak to them. Shockingly, I was actually talking to one of them yesterday and we mused over our penchant for emailing friends who live two minutes away. Myself, I like to change things up once in a while. Sometimes calling them, sometimes emailing them, sometimes showing up at their houses unexpectedly and demanding answers, and sometimes writing my questions in their front lawns with gasoline (pricey means I love you!). Regardless of the vehicle, I only talk when something needs to be said.

I've discovered that I subconsciously seek out chatty friends. I have very few friends who are as quiet as I am; otherwise, the conversation transforms from the obligatory small talk to a perpetual staring contest. We have to be Made For Each Other for me to be friends with a quiet person and obviously, my list of that type of friend is short. Otherwise, I seek out talkative friends who can carry the conversation for me so I can nod and express my interest through a series of grunts and raised eyebrows. Don't get me wrong; if you ask me a direct question, or if I have something to add that is pertinent enough to the conversation you're engaged in, I'll say it. Aside from that, don't expect me to say much, if ever. It's not that I don't like you. I just don't like people and talking to them. See? We're still cool, right?

On to today's business. It has come to my marvelous attention via my personal informer that there are several people out there who either know me only vaguely or not at all who read this blog on a regular basis. My source also tells me that these people seem to be embarrassed by this because they don't know me well and don't want to be seen as "creepy" or "stalkerish." First of all, it's obvious that they don't know me because it takes a lot to scare me. Commenting on my blog is not only not creepy in any fashion, but also very fun for me. I do not think you are a stalker simply because we have not been properly introduced. Perhaps if you were to secret yourself away in my window well, or maybe mail me Hallmark cards made out of bullets, well then, I might be a tad concerned and suggest you save those well-thought out activities for someone who can appreciate your time and talents a bit more. But reading and commenting on my blog? Please. Nothing would give me more joy. (Please note the stress I'm placing on the word "comment." There's a reason for that. Go do it.)

Second of all, have you looked at my sidebar recently? The one titled "Websites and Blogs I Regularly Stalk"? I am so not kidding about the stalking part. And that's not even all the blogs I frequent, just the ones I think large audiences would also be interested in visiting. I have a ready list of total and complete strangers that I keep up with. Why? Because I stumbled upon their blogs one day and had to come back to see how it turned out. I even comment on their blogs when it strikes me to do so. They may think it's weird, but who cares? If you don't want me reading your blog, then switch off the option that allows your blog to be found via search engines (you can do that you know). Anyone who enables that option clearly doesn't mind visitors. I take full advantage of that invitation.

And lastly, I especially love knowing that there are people out there who know me but pretend they don't know I have a blog they read despite the contrary. They think because they weren't specifically invited to this party that they are unwelcome. Pfft. I specifically invited about three of my readers personally--the rest came by word-of-mouth. Obviously I'm fine with it and I even encourage it in a passive sort of way. So for all of my neighbors named Melissa who live three doors down who think I don't know they read my blog but probably shouldn't have told Stephanie if they wanted to keep it a secret, I love that you're here. The fact that I'm watching you right now through your front window should indicate just how much. Oh, I'm not there? I probably just went on a bathroom break. I'll be right back so just hang tight. Next time you could be a little more supportive and offer your own bathroom so I don't have to walk so far and lose my concentration.

Please, by all means everyone, read away. If I didn't want you here I would make my blog private so all of three people could read it. If I didn't want you to comment on anything I would turn off that option. If I didn't want you as friends I would never talk to y--...wait, scratch that. Point is, stay. Feel welcome. And for the love of Michael Phelps, comment when you have something to say, OK? Don't make me come to your house to get what I want. Gas is so expensive these days.

13 comments:

Whitney A said...

Am I really that talkative? I always thought I was the wallflower. You must bring it out in me. :-) I'm so nervous wondering what's going on inside your head that I just keep blabbering, because that what people with anxiety do...blabber, blabber, blabber. Kind of like what I'm doing now. Even over email you freak me out!

Anyway, Cole's naps are under control. He sleeps after lunch. So when do you want us to show up and blabber?

Ryann said...

Now it totally makes sense to me. For the first six months that I was your neighbor I would talk to Terry and say, I just don't think that she likes me. But you would then say some wonderfully witty thing and I would change my mind. Now I get-I was your chatty friend. And whatever you feel you may lack in conversation you completely make up for in your commenting and your blog. And I think that you have great taste in blogs-I now stalk some of the very same ones!

LISAandSOMETIMESJ said...

yes- it's true. You grunt a lot.

Jody said...

I agree. Stalking via computer = OK. In person = disturbing.

treen said...

All right, all right! I'm here commenting! I agree that it's fun to find out who is reading your blog. I was visiting a girl in my ward this morning who just had a baby, and she said that she reads my blog and thinks I'm so funny. REALLY?!?!?! I didn't get all giggly or anything, but I was totally flattered. So now I will go write something new on my blog for her, and you, and everyone else to read.

Heidi said...

I think I must have gone to college with your alternate personality or something. I could have sworn that Marie was the disturbingly quiet roommate. Or were those late night MST3K-fests all one-sided and I just never noticed???

Jacob and Mindy T. said...

You are hilarious! I am one of those people that doesn't know you personally but I feel like I am starting to and I LOVE reading your blog because you make me laugh. I love nothing better than a good laugh...if it makes me cry from laughing so hard the better. Your blog makes me laugh so hard I cry almost on a daily basis. :) Thanks for the uplifting. Feel free to comment and read my blog too. Mine isn't even close to funny like yours, but someday I hope to aspire to be as cool as you. :)(totally not trying to brown nose!) LOL

Abby said...

You're nervous about what I'm thinking, Whitney? You're actually scared of me? What the heck for? I'm pretty sure you could take me. And you talk more than I do, so I consider that chatty. But you help me talk as well, which makes you awesome. As for when, anytime this or next week is good for us. Pick a day. How long are his naps?

Ryann, I can't believe you thought I hated you. The very fact that I hung out with you should suggest that I liked you. I let you talk me into getting in the ocean; I BETTER like you to do something like that. Good times, good times.

Heidi, I don't think I've ever thought of myself as "disturbingly quiet," just quiet. I think Marie hated us and that's why she was quiet. But you bring out the talker in me and clearly I in you. We're, like, totally made for each other like that.

Thanks for reading, Mindy. I'm glad you like it and that you think I'm funny. I still find it hard to believe strangers find me funny since usually only your friends do since they know you and can hear your voice when they read what you say and all that garbage. For you to not even know me and still find me humorous, well! THAT is a true compliment. So thank you. :)

Whitney A said...

Me? Totally take you? Are you kidding. I might be taller, but you'd snap me like a twig! You probably know some form of martial arts that you can't account for learning...I'm thinking Bourne identity or Mr. & Mrs. Smith. :-)

This Friday would have worked (and still might if this turns out to be nothing), but Cole decided that he was going to bring home a germ or two from nursery this week. Damn nursery and the germ pool! So he's currently snoring because he can't breathe through his nose. Poor kid. It's tragic that children don't learn to blow stuff out their nose until later. You'd think the human body would have evolved to make snot/booger removal an involuntary function, much like breathing. Body registers foreign matter in nostrils and WHAM, it's snorted out just like that. Pleasant, eh? Anyway, it also could be that Cole's experiencing a serious case of teething since he's still without the majority of his teeth (and hair for that matter). Should we play it by ear? Or shoot for a time when I'm not sucking snot out of his nose? But if that's the case then we've got another week of nursery coming up and who knows what he'll bring home next.

Abby said...

I love your assessment of my supposed skillz. But until glaring at people becomes a superpower, I'll just have to settle for my incredible ability to throw a hissyfit over a spider 20 feet away. Pretty sure that's not gonna take you down though.

Let's wait until he's feeling better. I don't think I can handle even one more disease out of these two for the rest of the year.

Benteti5 said...

I have no idea who you are and I read and comment on your blog. But I guess the card I made for you out of my armpit hair shavings would be too stalky for you.
I like chatty friends too. That way I talk to myself a whole lot less and seem way more normal. However, normal is relative, and I just think everyone else is weird.

Stephanie B said...

So at the beginning of your post I thought that you were going to mention my new closing line on the phone... "well, I'm done talking now..." maybe we shouldn't be phone friends, I'm not much of a talker either.

Also, you are going to get me in trouble with Melissa and my friend Sarah. Crap, don't you know when you should quote an anonymous source?

Abby said...

Not much of a talker? If I didn't know better I'd think we were going to have to surgically remove that phone from your ear.

And as if either Sarah or Melissa wouldn't know who dimed them out....