Ah, Society's Norms: I Hardly Knew Ye

Holy crap, people! I neglect my Google Reader for two days and I come back to 36 unread posts! What in the name of Bill Clinton is going on here? I just spent the last hour catching up, each time expecting to run across that one nutjob-jerk who decided to put out 18 posts in 24 hours. Turns out everyone I know just wrote one-to-two posts per day. That's not nearly as exciting as I'd anticipated, and here I got my panties in a bunch over nothing. Who am I going to yell at now? Quit posting so much, people! I have a life you know! Obviously!

Here's a tidbit I was greeted with on Comcast's news feed today; I'll let you pick out the one glaring word that makes this statement unfathomable: "Former 'Idol' Clay Aiken tells People magazine that he could no longer hide his homosexuality." Let me just get the obvious over with here and ask, was he even trying?

Speaking of Clay Aiken, a few women, including Stephanie and Kristen, and I were playing Catchphrase, a game where you get a word or phrase, describe it, and the others guess. My phrase was "Clay Aiken."

Me: "That idiot from American Idol."
My team: "Ryan Seacrest! Simon Cowell!"
Me: "No, a singer."
Stephanie: "Clay Aiken!"
Ta-da.

I was going to post something about a website I've had an idea for for a while now--an idea that left me completely in stitches over my brilliant sense of humor. However, the more I thought about posting about it, the more I decided I would look incredibly insane doing it. And that while I might be laughing, everyone else would likely be staring at their computer screens in horror, wondering which authorities they should notify first. I considered asking someone like Stephanie if my attempt at humor would translate to anyone else outside of my own brain, but her brother's in town so she's busy thinking about someone besides me for once. It's a shame though--it cracks me up even thinking about it. It was going to have photoshopped pictures, music, a FAQ section, and everything. Oh well. Some crazy things are best left unexplored. NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BAD FOR SUPPRESSING MY CREATIVE GENIUS?!

Autumn Cleaning

I just looked at my email inbox and I had 230+ messages in it. Most of the messages were from family and friends who I was supposed to respond to for one reason or another--looking at them was making me feel guilty for never getting to them. Then I realized with relief that almost all of them are now obsolete. Into the archives you go 230+ messages! Hooray! I figure those people I just banished from my sight pretty much know they're not getting a response by now and they have come to grips with it. Heaven knows I have. I have two messages in my inbox now, only one of which needs a response before the end of the year. Go me!

I found this among the messages that I'd meant to throw up on my blog back when it was popular to do so but which I'd totally forgotten about. So you're getting it now that it's totally passé.

We all know what I think of my (and everyone else's) kids. Naturally, I was curious to know what my kid thought of me (not that it would change anything of course):

1. What is something mom always says to you?
"It's lunch time." (Seriously, when isn't it lunch time?)
2. What makes mom happy?
A smile
3. What makes mom sad?
[When I'm] bad.
4. How does mom make you laugh?
Making funny faces
5. What was mom like as a child?
A baby (smart, this one)
6. How old is mom?
5 (nevermind)
7. How tall is mom?
Don't know
8. What is mom's favorite thing to do?
At the computer (Hm.)
9. What does mom do when you're not around?
Get dizzy twirling around (what I actually do in my private time is likely to be a vast disappointment to her)
10. What is mom really good at?
Playing at the piano (aw, thanks kid! *sniff*)
11. What is mom not good at?
Not waking up the baby (Oh, what does she know anyway??)
12. What is mom's job?
Mommy (my kid is more perceptive than your kid)
13. What is mom's favorite food?
Cookies (I need to start snacking in private)
14. What makes you proud of mom?
Playing with the toys
15. What do you and mom do together?
"Big and Little" (a game I've clearly never heard of)
16. How are you and mom the same?
Big (she insists this is precisely what she meant)
17. How are you and mom different?
Kids are little (again, she assured me this was correct, despite her previous answer; she's just a little too deep for me)
18. How do you know mom loves you?
A heart. (Better than "She doesn't," right?)

What a cute kid.

Another email?! Crap! DELETE, DELETE! Ahh, crisis averted.

Crazy For You

I was watching a TV program the other night about a mummified dinosaur paleontologists discovered with a good deal of its internal organs still intact. They were able to get into its stomach and take samples of the dinosaur’s last meal. This dinosaur, a known herbivore, had a stomach full of plant life. The scientists on the program seemed terribly excited about this saying something to the effect of, “We were surprised to find so much vegetation in his stomach! It’s amazing!” An herbivore dinosaur eating vegetation?! Why, that’s crazy talk!!

Speaking of crazy, if you ever have the opportunity to be interviewed by a psychiatrist, do not, I repeat, DO NOT be a smart-alec. They do not have a sense of humor. In the course of applying for a job I had to take a psychological exam and then discuss my answers with their psychiatrist. I marked “yes” to the question “Do you sometimes have strange thoughts?” Well, who doesn’t have strange thoughts once in a while, right? The answer to that is apparently “everyone who isn’t crazy.” I learned this when the shrink informed me in a round-about way that that is one of their red-flag questions that tell them whether you’re nuts or not. He asked what I meant when I marked yes. I said, “Well, I was just thinking: if God was what we are now, what was the name of his country?” He just stared at me. Then he smiled and jotted some notes into my file. My very permanent file. (I should note here that when I told my oldest brother of my experience, he said I should have instead asked how much Canada weighs. Always the helpful one, he.) Is it any wonder that three years later I was sent back to the psychiatrist to make doubly sure I wasn’t crazy? Yeah. Do NOT be a smart-alec. I really can’t stress that enough, people. FYI, the second time around I was intensely serious with the second psychiatrist (nearly killed me, it did), who informed me I was as mentally sound as anyone; he wrote as much in my file and sent me on my way.

So the next time you’re pondering my mental health and wondering if I should be carefully examined, remember this: one out of two psychiatrists swear I’m not crazy!

A Quick Plea

Overheard in Primary yesterday:

Primary President: Do any of you kids have any experiences with praying?
Senior Primary Girl: I do! I once prayed to Heavenly Father that I would get a Wii for Christmas and I DID!

Small request to parents: is there any possible way that you can teach your children the difference between God and Santa Claus? Thank you so very much.

[Fun times warning! I love this video. "I can see Russia from my house!"]

Be Funny or Else!

OK, here's the deal. As many of you now know, a young couple, Christian and Stephanie Nielson, barely survived a serious airplane crash and now have extensive burns over a good portion of their bodies. A recovery fund has been set up to help pay for medical expenses and the care of their children while they remain in the hospital for a number of months. An explosion of concern has swept the blogging community, including at one blog I stalk, Navel Gazing at Its Finest. As a fund raising gesture, Navel Gazing, et al, is creating a blog book with proceeds to be donated to the recovery fund for the Nielsons. Entry into the blog book is a contest of sorts, the details to be found here. Basically, they're looking for funny stuff. And by stuff, they mean blog entries, previously posted or not, less than 1500 words. The deadline for submissions is September 30th; all entries can be emailed to sometimeslifeisfunny at gmail dot com. If your post is selected you make it into the book and you then have to buy said book. Also, if the post you submit is new material (unposted) and it happens to be the funniest thing she's read by this Friday, you get $50 from Navel Gazing. So by all means, write away.

Here's my dilemma. First problem: the submissions have to be funny. If they're not deemed funny enough they'll be rejected. Second problem: it's pretty hard to be funny on demand and with a deadline. While I don't need the $50, I would love to submit something new, but I can't think of a frickin' thing to write about. That leaves something I've already published, except I have no idea what's funny in my blog and what isn't. The things that have cracked me up have gone largely unnoticed and things I found only mildly amusing or a complete failure were met with a several compliments. Clearly, I'm only funny on accident (which is about par for the course).

So to all three of my beloved readers I submit this plea to you: if you had to choose a favorite post (i.e. one you found the least offensive to your sensibilities) what would it be? Failing finding anything remotely funny in my archives, what would you have me write about? And while you're at it, submit something of your own. You could get published in a book! W00t!

Note: photos are discouraged, which means posts that rely heavily upon photos (like the Dora cake post) would probably be rejected simply based upon that alone.

2nd Note: I can rewrite any post to make it fit the requirements and any post that is not standalone I can make standalone--mostly this works because all of my posts are under the word count limit so I have room to make necessary story adjustments. Given that, have any suggestions? Any funny stories you and I have that I've never written about?

The Truth and Consequences

You Are Japan

You enjoy being part of a group. Having a good reputation is important to you. You get along well with others. You don't openly criticize or insult anyone. You like to co-operate, and conformity is fairly important to you. You love your culture and country. But when you're by yourself, you may have some very eccentric hobbies or interests!

What Country Are You?

Um...what? And what is with the underwear?

On to different things that won't keep me awake at night now. Or not.

The other night I was watching "The Daily Show." Jon Stewart was, naturally (and not without reason) mocking America's Eye Candy, Sarah Palin. But one thing that he has beaten into the ground for several days in a row is Palin's daughter and that daughter getting herself knocked up and such. Stewart's main horse that he's been beating to death is Palin's phrasing of the situation. Supposedly, Palin said her daughter, Buttons, was given a choice of outcomes for this pregnancy and she "chose" to marry her rednecked boyfriend and keep the baby. It is the issue of choice that has Stewart, et al, up in arms. Palin, the Republican that she is, voted to make abortion illegal (even in cases of rape, if that gives you any indication of her seriousness on the issue) in the state of Alaska. And yet, Stewart rants, her own daughter, Brazil, was given a choice as to what to do with her own pregnancy. What pisses me off here, ladies and gentlemen, is Stewart's assumption of the definition of "choice." Since when is keeping the baby or aborting it the only choice a pregnant woman can possibly have, and by making abortion illegal completely and totally strips that woman's choices from her? Let me tell you Jon Stewart (he's a big fan of the blog), that the choice Buxom was given was that of keeping the baby and marrying its idiot father, or putting the baby up for adoption. Yes, adoption, that old 1950s concept that seems to have died out in the last week or something. What is so wrong with adoption? How many parents out there who can't have children would kill for a baby, or at least fork over $100,000 for one? A lot, I can tell you that. Bratwurst had every right to choose to make the situation right by making her little family complete or giving another couple the same opportunity.

The whole issue of abortion and it being called pro-choice by its proponents gets me in a tizzy every time. Now, I'm not the police. I'm not personally going to stop you from having an abortion. However, quit acting like you should have every right on this earth to destroy your fetus if you so wish and if anyone says you shouldn't that they are attempting to deprive you of your ability to choose. People's ability to confuse "choices" with "consequences" never ceases to amaze me. The choice in this situation came when you chose to have (likely unprotected) sex. You chose to do so, even after knowing full well that pregnancy could be an outcome of that choice. The consequence (not choice) of that decision is the pregnancy. Having an abortion is an attempt to avoid the consequence of your choice. However, there is good news! You get another choice, like what to do with the baby once your pregnancy is over! You can marry your idiot boyfriend and keep the baby, you can not marry your idiot boyfriend and keep the baby, you can marry your idiot boyfriend and put the baby up for adoption, you can not marry your idiot boyfriend and put the baby up for adoption, or you can leave the baby with a bunch of nice looking firefighters at the local fire station and walk away. All of the above are legal choices (the last depending upon which state you live in). Huzzah for you! Look at all the choices you get to have, even after suffering through the obligatory consequence of your inital stupid decisions!

I know there are extenuating circumstances in this world that provide exceptions to every rule, and certainly abortion has its extenuating circumstances. My problem with people starts when every single one of them assumes that they are the exception to that rule every time. I don't care if you think you need an abortion so you won't look too fat in your wedding dress you empty-headed baffoon, that's not a good enough excuse. Abortion is and always will be a horrible option. A likely option nonetheless, yes, but a terrible one. Try to start treating it like that and perhaps people will quit getting angry with you for exceeding your quota of idiotic life-altering choices.

Life and Limb vs. Other People's Crap

I already pointed this out to Misty. Every time they talk about McCain choosing Palin as his VP candidate they always phrase it "John McCain tapped little-known Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate." I said it then and I'll say it now: they really could have phrased that better.

I was driving around this morning, mostly killing time until Peanut's naptime (I'm not the only one who does that, am I?) and I saw an ad for a yard sale. Now, I'm all about yard sales, but the street this one was listed on as made me pause for a minute. This is the same street that on the handful of times I've driven down it every single person standing outside glares at me in my little white-bread car and seems to say, "Just what do you think you're doing here, Cracker?!"And those are the white people! It's a scary street. I decided to brave it anyway to see what kind of trash this yard sale had (and what stuff they were selling, too). You know you're in trouble when you drive down a street that has only one yard sale but you can't tell which house is actually hosting the event. The only way I was able to determine which house was the house I was looking for was the group of people crowded around the card table on the front lawn were all looking at me with wistful eyes, hoping I'd buy the various crap scattered about their yard (or just fling money at them and scamper away), as opposed to all the other houses with groups of people crowded around card tables on their front lawns, glowering at me, hoping Ms. White Girl P. Minivan would be on her way and quit looking at their crap scattered across their front yards like she's going to buy it. It should surprise no one that as I drove past the yard sale house with my doors locked and windows rolled up, that I did not see anything for sale that was worth risking my children's lives over.

Throughout these past Olympics the only thing I really concentrated on was the Olympic Rings. You know, the five various colored rings that interlock? Those. At one point in my life I had heard that each ring represented one of the participating continents. As most of my more observant readers will likely point out, even after I've already said it here, there are seven continents on this earth and only five Olympic rings. Assuming penguins are no good at table tennis, we can logically cut out Antarctica. That left one continent that was getting shafted. I asked everyone I could remember to ask who they thought was being left out. No one knew. So I finally went to the Online God of Trivial Knowledge, Wikipedia, and briefly discovered that the rings supposedly represent values, namely "passion, faith, victory, work ethic and sportsmanship." What? Well, whatever. But this leads me to wonder who told me that the rings stood for continents. I have finally concluded that it was my ever-imaginative next-oldest brother, Andrew, who I never hesitate to blame for such errors. This is the same brother who, as a child, retold and beautifully reenacted the increasingly dramatic tale of Lincoln's death, which, according to Andrew, involved a glorious shot to the chest shortly after delivering a moving rallying of the troops at Gettysburg. Imagine my disappointment upon learning the "textbook" version of history in elementary school. By the way, this is the same man (my brother, not Lincoln) who is running for office this year. Oh, did I neglect to tell the story again? Well, no time now. Remind me later.

Post script: upon further review of the Wikipedia article (like, two sentences later), which contradicts itself I should add, the Olympic Charter supposedly claims that the five rings do in fact stand for five continents with Antarctica being intentionally excluded. The continent getting shafted? South America. And don't tell me that whole "one ring stands for both North and South America to create a The Americas continent." What a load of bologna (which is very heavy from what I've heard). We all know North America rocks South America and S.A. is clearly riding our coattails in the Olympic Rings Dispute. Get your own damn ring, South America!!

Further Evidence

While Peanut tolerates bananas the most, apparently cold bananas most certainly do not rock his world.



But really, can you blame him?

Now, I realize that many of you out there think your children are attractive, and I have no reason to disagree with you. But gorgeous? Not like mine:

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

It's Nice Not to Have to Actually Think

Why yes, I am being lazy and substituting other people's funny for anything I should be writing myself. What of it?

Janie had a great Onion video on her blog that reminded me of my favotite Onion video feature:


NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

And my favorite onion article was admittedly funnier when he was alive, but whatever.

Christopher Reeve Placed Atop Washington Monument
October 2, 1996 Issue 30•08

WASHINGTON, DC—One of America's most beloved landmarks, the Washington Monument, became all the more stirring and inspiring Monday with the addition of disabled actor Christopher Reeve.

Over 300,000 gathered at the Washington Monument Monday to watch Reeve's official bolting-in ceremony. Said Greensboro, NC, resident Cal Brewer: "I wish I had the courage to be crippled like that."

Reeve, 44, paralyzed below the neck after a tragic equestrian mishap last year, was bolted to the pinnacle of the 555-foot monument and affixed with display spotlights for night viewing. He will remain there permanently, on 24-hour display.

"Christopher has shown himself to be a pillar of strength and courage who brings out the best in us all," said John Beaumont, Director of U.S. Parks and Services. "He was a logical addition to this already impressive monument. Once the idea was presented, nothing could stop us: not logistical problems, not budget constraints, not even the teary objections of Mr. Reeve."

The former Superman actor and his electric wheelchair were hoisted up the side of the towering obelisk by a tractor-powered cable pulley. Reeve was then welded to the pinnacle, facing east toward the Capitol, and bolted in place with iron slugs made from a cannonball fired at the battle of Yorktown.

A bronze plaque at the foot of the monument describes Reeve's history and dimensions. It reads: "We elevate you to the heavens, so that future generations may know of your courage and your almost total paralysis."

A crowd of almost 100,000 people, including many of Reeve's closest friends, gathered to watch the heartstrings-tugging installation. "It was so beautiful," said Jane Seymour, star of TV's Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, who co-starred with Reeve in the hit 1980 film Somewhere in Time. "As the final welders were blasting away, the sparks were flying everywhere, and then they set off those fireworks. I honestly cried."

"We brought the kids here to try and teach them about the courage and fortitude Washington showed at Valley Forge," said Cal Brewer, a father of four from Greensboro, NC. "Now, with Christopher Reeve up there, the whole scene just speaks for itself."

Added Brewer: "I wish I had the courage to be crippled like that."

"You can fly... you belong in the sky...," sang celebrity guest Bette Midler, in a musical prelude to the formal dedication and attachment ceremony. "Once upon a time, my dear friend Chris flew into our movie houses and into our hearts as the Man of Steel, soaring above the highest peaks. Though today he's wearing several hundred pounds of life-support equipment instead of his old red and blue tights, from the top of this monument he shall forever soar."

Midler, who performed "Love Theme From The Movie Superman" to a standing ovation as the final weldings were secured into place, was a last-minute replacement for scheduled vocalist Margot Kidder, whose current whereabouts remain unknown.

Though Reeve was unable to speak at the commemoration due to an intense fear of heights, no one was more moved by the ceremony than the actor himself. "Please let me down," the visibly touched celebrity said to reporters. "I'm cold, and I miss my family."

Upon Reeve's natural death, he will be removed from the monument long enough to be encased in acrylic plastic, then reattached.

Reeve's installation, planners say, will give him a new ability to touch and inspire people 24 hours a day as a public fixture, rain, snow or shine. "Christopher touched us all with his heartfelt speeches at the Oscars and the Democratic Convention, but he just can't be everywhere at once," Beaumont said. "As it is, the Republicans have had to cripple their own actors to gain a comparable amount of emotional impact."

Republican actor Tom Selleck's spine was shattered by the GOP in August, gaining him many standing ovations at Republican fundraisers since.

President Reagan praised his fellow acting veteran in a telegram read at the ceremony: "Uhhh... blanket. Muhhh."

This is not the first time a showbiz notable has been added to a Washington, DC, attraction. Comedian George Burns spent the last few months of his life in the Smithsonian Institute's Museum of Arts and Industries, in a glass case between Fonzie's jacket from Happy Days and the original Kermit the Frog puppet. Bob Hope now occupies the case.

In light of the project's success, The U.S. Department of Parks and Services is considering similar additions to its attractions. Plans are already being drafted to have hearing-impaired actress Marlee Matlin bolted to the Lincoln Memorial.

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Ode to SatireWire

For the record, if all y'alls are ever looking for funny stuff to read, I recommend SatireWire with all my heart, lungs, and pancreas. Unlike The Onion, there was only ONE guy, Andrew Marlatt, running and writing the entire brilliant shebang (he finally had a work conference with himself and decided to close up shop in 2002). You probably remember him for his article entitled "The Axis of Just as Evil," which made its way around the internet a few thousand times. My favorite article in all eternity is "AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC: Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving." The last time I read it was years ago and I will still suddenly think of it and start laughing out loud. Also, it never hurts to make fun of Canadians. Repeatedly, even (also one that never fails to crack me up when I think about it; basically what I'm saying is SatireWire had an inordinately huge and probably devastatingly unhealthy effect upon my life).

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I can't resist more from the Onion video catalog:

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

The end is the best part here (and amazingly prophetic, I must add):

Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar Fight With


And one for heidi:

Californians Gather To Celebrate Annual Wildfire Tradition

Scientists Were Right

It IS contagious.

Especially when it's crazy people:


Or making fun of skinny people:


You're right lady, Europe IS funny:


And this just made my day, especially the snort: